A Book Review... about Forgive by Tim Keller

Over the past few months, I have read the book "Forgive: Why Should I, How Can I?" by Tim Keller.  I rarely read books when they are released, but this one caught my attention and I wanted to read it.

For the most part, I really enjoyed the book.  I found the text to be very helpful and it challenged me to look at my own heart and past experiences and responses.  It also helped me articulate and identify some of the changes I have seen in our culture over the past decade that have concerned me.  I would recommend this book--with two warnings.

The first warning is that this book doesn't give a lot of attention to addressing abusive relationships and forgiveness.  I wish that had been more attention given to abuse and harmful relationships and what biblical responses to such relationships might be.  That would have been helpful, I think.  The second warning is my disagreement with Appendix D: Reconciliation Practices.

In Appendix D, Keller walks the reader through the steps of how to have a reconciliations conversation.  I think the advice in this appendix is not wise.  Here's the gist of the instructions:  Go to the other person and tell them what you think you've done wrong.  Then ask them to tell you everything they think you've done wrong in the situation and then repent of what you did that you admitted and also that they've told you you did wrong.  Then--"if necessary" according to Tim Keller, address how the other person has wronged you.  (pg. 224, Forgive)

When I read this appendix, I found myself very upset inside.  I used to apologize to people a lot.  And I used to regularly have people come to me and tell me what they thought was wrong with me.  This happened throughout my life until I stopped apologizing all the time.  I also used to repeatedly apologized to people for things I didn't do wrong so as to prevent offenses I was afraid might be taken.

After the last significant time that someone told me the words "everyone doesn't like you", I met with a Biblical counselor who helped me begin the process of sorting through the hurtful words of the woman who had come into my home to "speak the truth in love".  I was only able to meet with the counselor twice, but I learned from her that the reason people have felt authorized to criticize me so much over the years is because I said I was sorry all the time.  In saying "I'm sorry" preemptively, I was preventing the other person from taking any responsibility for what happened.  I often was also often feeding other people's easily offended feelings--confirming that they had a reason to be offended when it wasn't actually reasonable.  My apologies made it seem to others in my life that I needed to be corrected.  Everything was my fault.  So, they corrected me.  Often harshly.  

So, no.  I don't think the best way to pursue a reconciliation conversation is to begin with saying everything you've done wrong and ask the other person to tell you everything they think you've done wrong.  I think that is actually setting a horrible trap for yourself to fall into and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

But, how would one go about pursuing reconciliation in a conversation in a healthy way?  That's a good question to ponder.  I'll post a few thoughts about that tomorrow...

  

Podcasts and Giving Advice

A while back, I read the transcript from an interview on NPR.  The interview was part of their "Dear Life Kit" series.  The subject was a letter someone wrote asking advice about a situation that had previously happened.  

The writer had uninvited a family member to their wedding when they replied late and informed the bride and groom that they were bringing two uninvited people with them.  My first thought when I read the word "uninvited" was whether the two people had an antagonistic relationship with the bride and groom.  No.  That wasn't the case.  There was a limit on the number of people they could have attend the wedding, but the writer didn't mention whether everyone else invited had replied and could come, so there might have been room for these two extra people.  

Then, I read the advisor's verdict.  She declared that the bride had done the right thing but that it was natural for there to be a ripple effect and consequences in the family since they were uninviting one of the groom's siblings.  

The advice made me wonder.  Had this person been married?  Does she have children?  No.  From what I found online the answer is no.  She hasn't walked through this situation.  She hasn't been married.  

Then, I came across a similar situation later that same week when I listened to a podcast.  I don't regularly listen to podcasts.  But, I'd love to find a few I enjoyed listening to.  I started with one a friend enjoys, but found the conversation to cause me to struggle in a similar way.  The podcaster has a side ministry to parents with young children.  I wondered if she was married and has children.  After doing some research, I learned that she only recently got engaged and she doesn't have children.  

Fast forward a few months... I began reading a book that made me feel very unsettled inside.  At the same time, I started a book that brought me peace as I read it.  Both books are non-fiction, Christian Living books.  A friend asked me if the author was Catholic.  I'm not disparaging Catholics in mentioning this.  The friends point was asking me to consider what the author's theological perspective was.  Did it shape the points she made?  

So, I went home to research and try and find out what perspective the author of the book that made me upset was coming from.  I discovered that she is not Catholic--actually she attends an enormous non-denominational protestant megachurch that preaches the prosperity gospel.  She has preached sermons to congregations of men and women, which reflects her ideas about women's roles in the church.  I found an article that explains how she interprets scripture--using Eisegesis instead of Exegesis.  This is important because she made points and then took passages out of context in the Bible to support them instead of interpreting the Bible through Exegesis and digging into Bible passages in context.  

All of these experiences remind me of the importance of knowing about who you're listening to and taking advice from.  What theological perspective are they coming from?  Do they have experience and have they walked through anything similar?  Do they really understand personally or do they only understand in theory?

I often live with physical pain that is invisible to others and it has made me aware that people who haven't lived with any pain or haven't known anyone close to them that has don't understand the choices I sometimes face.  So, when I was researching two authors recently, it was significant to me that they had both had cancer.  That told me they would both understand living with pain and how often the pain people experience can be invisible to others.  Just because you look okay on the outside, doesn't mean you feel okay on the inside.  

I can give you many more examples of why I think it's so important to know the background of speakers and authors, but I'll leave you with just one more to consider.  This another example is why I take this so personally...

Years ago when I first became a middle school teacher, I had parents ask me for advice about how to parent.  I gave suggestions--because I thought I understood.  I was a teacher of middle schoolers and I had been a middle schooler once years ago.  I thought I knew what to do.  But, I didn't understand until I was a parent fifteen years later of a middle schooler that I didn't know what it was like to be a parent until I was one.  I had some ideas, but it was different when I was actually a parent.  I had more grace and understanding.  Yet, I also had different ideas about what was really important than I did when I was a teacher all those years ago.  

So, choose wisely and research!  

Adult Bullies and Cyberbullying

 This post is about irony that I never expected.

Back in April, I taught a two hour class to a group of teenagers about Cyber Bullying.  Everywhere, you can find the message aimed at teens that they should speak up if they are being bullied.  But, what is Cyber bullying?

"Cyberbullying is the use of cell phones, instant messaging, e-mail, chat rooms or social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter to harass, threaten or intimidate someone. Cyberbullying is often done by children, who have increasingly early access to these technologies."  from www.techtarget.com  

Some people say cyberbullying by definition is only done by teenagers.  But, then we'd need another word when it's done by adults.  So, for sake of this post, let's consider cyberbullying to be bullying--harrassing, threatening, or intimidating done by adults, teens, or children to others using technology.

Two years ago, my family experienced cyberbullying when the kids of a team they were on badmouthed and spread a false rumor about something I'd said.  They got carried away and said no one wanted any of us around.  One of the teens told me and I let each of the parents know.  All of the parents were glad to know and I received several apologies.  Only one parent told me--it's just a chat--it doesn't matter.  

It does matter.  

I chose to speak up then.  It was really hard.  

But, what if a teen speaks up and the adults don't do anything?  

My middle daughter received a racist and anti-christian meme from another teenager in a group she was a part of.  Nothing was done for weeks.  Several weeks later when the boy was asked about it, he lied and said he didn't send it.  Then he was told there was proof.  He admitted he'd sent it.  Still, nothing happened.  A month later, he was told he had to apologize or else he wouldn't get an award he wanted.  He went to my daughter and said "sorry." with a tone that said his sorry meant nothing.  By this point, she had been ostracized and excluded by a large group of students in the group.  She is amazing to me.  She let it roll off her back.  Her only concern was that it would happen to someone else.  This kid continues to be rewarded in the same group, as do his friends.  I told one of the other parents who's kids were friends with him and her daughter is now dating him.

This is the stuff you see on teenage movies.  But, we always see the bullies getting in trouble at the end, not rewarded.  

What if an adult is harassed via electronic technology and no one does anything?  

This week I received a threatening email from two parents of a student in this same group.  A few weeks ago, I was verbally berated by one of them.  I felt unsafe.  My husband told me that the kids and I couldn't go until this was resolved.  He did the right thing.  In the end, we are leaving the group because my daughter was bullied and nothing was done.  Then, I was bullied and expected to sit down and listen to the parents berate me.  I was told to do so.  Just let them get it out of their system.  

I hadn't done anything wrong.  

Through all of this, I have been asking myself what it means to stand up for myself.  In years past, I was criticized by other women at a church we attended on separate occasions.  One woman in particular regularly criticized other women in the church.  I was told by church leaders to "stand down" and just take it.  At one point, my husband told me, "Just because someone says something to you, doesn't mean you have to listen."  I had always thought before that that I had to be polite and kind and listen.  After that, I was prepared to walk away any time that particular woman tried to criticize me.  I was saddened that one of the women who's criticism prompted us to leave the church repeated this four years later and another key family had to leave.  Would this have happened if I had spoken up instead of staying silent?

I had a friend who stood up for herself to a family member and because of it her entire family was ostracized and excluded from the family for a year and a half.  Standing up exacted a high price from her family.  She learned over the course of time that no one had ever stood up to that person before and no one has in the same way since.  It was a cautionary tale.  

Because of my regrets not standing up for myself several years ago and having watched my friend stand up for herself, I had to think hard about what it meant to stand up in the current situation.  

I realized that standing up in this situation meant walking away and not walking into a physical situation where I felt unsafe and threatened.  It meant not caving and being bullied into listening to a berating and false accusations that I wouldn't be able to forget.

We are all wired differently.  I admire my friends with thick skins.  In this situation, I had one person encourage me to look inside and find what part of this was my fault and to take responsibility for the situation.  I was criticized by several people because they felt my children were the ones having to pay a price for my refusal to walk into an unsafe situation and that wasn't fair to them.  

But, I had one friend who told me she would have done exactly what I did.  And her opinion was the one I valued the most to begin with so when she told me that, I felt better.  

So, what now?  

Do I move on?  Or do I try to speak up?  What will be the future price of standing up?  For me?  For my kids?

What will my kids take away from this situation?  

I've asked them and this is what I've gathered from them:

1.  It's better not to have friends than to be friends with the bullies and go along with what they do.

2.  They don't want to participate in a group that allows bullying of teens or adults to go on.

3.  They will pay attention to red flags and choose their friends wisely.  They did this anyways, but this situation was different from what they've encountered before.  The boy who bullied my daughter is charismatic.  He's good looking and has people around him.  It felt good to be included.  But, inclusion in his group was not something she realized she wanted.

4.  Standing up is the right thing to do.  Sometimes that means to physically stand up and defend one's self and sometimes that is walking away.  

5.  Help your friends make good choices.  When other teens are new and you see they're being drawn in, warn them.  From there, it's up to them.  

As a parent and adult, what have I learned:

1.  I want real life to play out like tv shows and movies.  The bullies get in trouble in the end.  But, we live in a broken world and often the bullies temporarily win.  Longterm, I know they pay a price.  God's Word tells me that.

2.  Standing up is hard.

3.  Cyberbullying can happen to people of any age and it's real!  

4.  Be the Change.  I'm not big on corny sayings, but it's true.  My family and I are choosing to be different.  We're choosing to have respect for others and treat them with kindness.  Love your neighbor as yourself... and Matthew 5:44 tells us "love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you."  

5.  To discuss with my kids what happens in their days and talk through how to handle situations.  The cyberbullying?  I was there the whole time and didn't know about it until we got in the car at the end of the day.  I don't hover, but I'm there when they need me.  I know my daughter would have come to talk with me earlier if she'd needed me.  

We live in an imperfect world and it's hard.  But, this morning, I'm thankful.  I'm thankful I don't have to go somewhere where I was being bullied and my kids had been bullied.  I'm thankful my kids and I are on the same page.  We made decisions this week as a team, but I am also the parent and made the final decision.  That's my job.  They're kids and they need to be able to be kids.  

One last note, if you want to discuss Cyberbullying with your kids, comment or email me and I can share my lesson plans and resources that I used with you!  

Why would I share my pain?

 The internet is a funny thing.  Even if we don't think anyone will read what we write--and it's one of hundreds of comments, someone might.  

I have always been very matter of fact about things.  I can say things without emotion that are shocking really.  It is my way of accepting them, acknowledging them, but not getting lost in them.  

Pain has the ability to swallow us up, shape us, or refine us.  I want the pain I've walked through to be used by God to refine me--to help me grow and love others better.  

One side effect of being matter of fact and being very honest about things is that it can lead people to believe that I've shared the whole picture when I've only shared a part.  Over the years, I've learned to be discerning.  There are some people that I have treasured as friends who I can really share not only the matter of fact things, but the emotions that I've wrestled with that have accompanied those matter of fact things.  

A month ago, I read a book by Lisa Terkeurst: Forgiving What You Can't Forget.  I can see that it was the right time to read it before my life changes in some big ways.  

I am the same person that I was almost four years ago, but at the same time I am a different person.  God has taught me some important and significant lessons.  I'm grateful.  

I came here with a lot of pain in my heart.  I was raised to hold grudges and be bitter.  That doesn't mean I was bitter about every hurt I experienced.  But, there were some really big hurts that have stayed in my heart a long time.  This book was really good for me and helped me grab hold of something I want.  

I was describing the book to a good friend the other day and she asked me, "What did it say that struck you?"  I said it begins by talking about wanting to look back and see the good, not just looking back and seeing the bad.  This is what I want for my life.  Have you ever felt that--that when you look back, you only see the bad?  The book goes on to talk about collecting the dots, connecting the dots, and correcting the dots.  The author then goes on to talk about healthy boundaries.  Her discussion is different than what I found in Cloud and Townsend's very popular book about boundaries and I found it to be really helpful.  The questions she asks are probing and helpful.  

Four years ago, we moved twice in a year.  Now, it's time to move again.  The wheels started turning this week.  I'm trying to do my best to trust and not stress over things I can't control.  I've started my notebook of lists with a page for every day to help me remember things I don't want to forget.  Amidst all that is going on, I have much to adjust to.  

We are going back.

Back to a place that is both new and old to us at the same time.  

I want to take back with me what I learned.  I want to remember.  Here's the biggest things I've learned...

1.  It's okay to be proud of my children.  I don't mean a sinful type of pride in which one thinks they are better than others.  What I'm referring to is a deep joy that comes from seeing our children in their uniqueness, seeing what they do and accomplish, and seeing who they are--and how God has created them.  

I have learned to celebrate and rejoice with my children and to rejoice and celebrate with others over their children!  As I've been preparing to leave where we live, I have called several friends who've been a big influence on me to thank them.  

2.  The Christian community we have been a part of here has extended beyond the church walls.  We did not find close friends in church where we live, but we found them in the homeschooling community and in our neighborhood.  For a lot of years, I have felt it on my heart to love our neighbors.  Before we lived here, I volunteered a lot at our church.  But, when we moved here, I began volunteering with all of the activities my kids joined.  It has been a good change for our family.  

3.  Inclusion is intentional and exclusion can be intentional or unintentional.  My daughter Autumn told me that it hurts more if exclusion is unintentional than intentional.  I thought this was very interesting--it was the opposite of what I expected her to say.  I think it is because "unintentional" means the excluder doesn't see her.  That is harder than if someone does and rejects her because of who she is.  I hadn't looked at it before this way, but once she said it I understood.  She articulated something I haven't been able to.

When we moved here, and before, I had told my kids that if someone doesn't want to be their friend, then to go find someone who does.  Before we moved here, my kids had experienced both intentional and unintentional exclusion, but the majority of it done by kids was intentional.  There were experiences they had that had shaped them and marked them.  

I had experienced unintentional exclusion by adults and groups we were a part of so I hadn't realized that the two types of exclusion felt different and hurt differently.

Here, they were unintentionally excluded at the churches we visited because the other kids were more concerned about being included themselves than about including others.  Adults around them hadn't parented teenagers yet and so they didn't see what was going on.  

But, what did I learn from realizing these things?  First, I learned to pursue intentional inclusion and to continue teaching my kids to do so.  Second, I learned why parents choose churches based on where their children feel welcome, included, and comfortable.  Third, I found the words to explain to others in the future why inclusion is important and how exclusion can make people feel.  

Lastly, I learned that God uses hard things to open and shut doors and direct our paths.  Sometimes what seems like rejection is really just a closed door.  I have a choice--to dwell on the closed doors or to focus on looking for the open ones and being grateful.  I am choosing the latter now.  A few years ago, I focused on the rejection instead.  My perspective has changed and I am choosing to teach my kids to grab hold of that perspective as well.  

An Obituary for my Dad

 I learned last night that my father died earlier this week.  

There are moments in life when you feel like you should feel a certain way.  You should have a reaction, yet you don't.  This is one of those moments for me.  

When I got the news, I searched for an obituary, but found none.  

Who was my dad?  

He was a man with a large presence.  His physical presence was something he used to make himself known.  People either got along with him or they didn't.  And if they didn't, they either walked away or stayed silent.  

He was a man who pulled himself up by his bootstraps after flunking out of college his freshman year.  He attended community college for a year, got straight A's, and then transferred back in and went on to graduate with a bachelor's degree.  I think it was in business.

He was a man who always had ideas about how to make money, though he was very quick to spend on credit.  

He was a man, who after divorcing my mom, stayed married to the same woman of his third marriage, for almost thirty years.  They were two peas in a pod.  

He was also a man who I haven't spoken to in years.  

The greatest gift my dad gave me was the belief that I can do anything I set my mind to.  This is truly a great thing that he drilled into my head and made me believe.  It has helped me overcome hesitations I have had over the years about learning a new topic or task.  

He was also a parent who I didn't want to be like.  

I have found in parenting that it is very easy to fall into the trap--both good and bad--to think that your child's actions are about you.  The vast majority of the time they aren't.  A lot of years ago, a friend explained to me that her strong willed son wanted to control his environment, not her.  He had in his mind what should be done and the way to do it.  It wasn't because he was being intentionally disobedient, but rather his mind was so strong willed it plowed forward and pushed boundaries.  I was like this.  Two of my children are like this.  I will get an idea in my head and it takes over.  I have taught myself to be more aware of other people's feelings and opinions, but my will is strong.  

When I was a child and disobeyed my father's directions or didn't meet his expectations, he felt this was a reflection on him.  I know that in 7th grade, I asked myself if I was getting good grades for him or for me. I made a decision at that time that I should do a good job because I should do my best, not because he wanted me to get an A.  

Who was my dad?  He was...

A man who told me to call him Dad because he thought he deserved to be called Dad and not father.  

A man who didn't know his two children and five grandchildren because he disowned them many years ago.

A man who could rationalize anything.

A man who told me that you should only be friends with people who you benefit from.  

A man with an intimidating presence who said he would hurt anyone back more who hurt him.  

A man who chose the life he wanted and the people who he wanted in it and who he didn't.

But, who was my dad?

He is also a man who I have forgiven.  There are sometimes people in our lives that we wish we could have had healthy relationships with.  I wish I could have had a good relationship with my dad.  I wish he could have known and valued me and my children for who we are.  I had to set boundaries with my dad to protect myself and my family.  He chose not to change.  A few months before his death, I received an email that showed me he hadn't changed, but it also made one thing very clear to me.  He was living the life he wanted to live and that he had chosen.  

Often when difficult people in our lives pass away, we whitewash who they were.  I will not whitewash who my dad was, but I can forgive him.  

There is no clear transition to the second part of this post, but I need to connect it here.

When my son woke up, I asked him to read this.  It reminded me of how he writes and thinks.  He said it made him sad and asked why I would write this post.  I explained that I wrote it in case it might encourage someone else--to know that you don't have to whitewash the past, but that you can forgive.  Over the years, I have made a lot of friends and have had many conversations about having boundaries in difficult relationships with parents.  Many of us have not had the relationships with our parents that we wished for. But, lacking those relationships doesn't mean that we are unloveable or not of value.  God loves me and He loves you.  I have seen in my life that while God may not have given me some of the relationships I thought I needed and wanted, He has given me others.  He has provided and cares for me through people He has brought across my path.  Not having a good relationships with a parent can leave a hole.  God can fill that hole--but sometimes we just have to see it from a different viewpoint to see how He has done that with his love and with the love of others.  

I am often amazed at how God does this.  

My family and I are walking through a crazy, stressful season.  It's not going to end for at least another month.  But, amidst that, God placed it on the heart of an old friend to daily reach out to me and check on me.  Amidst her busy life, she has taken the time to message me and encourage me as I have struggled to hold onto hope and do what I need to do.  I have needed her "You can do it!"s  and I have been very thankful for them.  I am thankful that God loves me and knows what I need.  

Things people shouldn't say

 A month ago, I was talking with an older woman who was making excuses for the decisions someone had made.  The excuses, I knew, were really the reasons for her sympathy for her bad choices.  I, too, felt sympathy for the choices that had been made and the situation that had resulted.  But, my perspective is a little different.  I also felt that the woman had choices about how to respond to her own pain.

Years ago, my best friend had a friend who had been abused by her husband for many years.  My friend shared with me that her friend had become an abuser towards her children, taking her frustration and stress out on her kids instead of protecting them.  After the woman later got a divorce and entered her senior years, she couldn't understand why her children didn't like her or want to be around her.  She didn't recognize that she had become an abuser herself.  

In life, when we are faced with stressful situations, it can be tempting to lash out at the people we believe will love us unconditionally.  But, I think we should strive and try our best not to do this.

My dad once told me when I was young that if someone hurt him that he was going to hurt them back more.  I remember hearing him say this and I remember immediately having the thought that if someone hurt me, then they are hurting themselves.  If I lashed out at them in return, it would continue a damaging cycle of hurting each other back and forth.  

As a result, I have often walked away when people have hurt me instead of lashing back.  This has been hard because I've ended up with a lot of wounds that hurt for a long time.  I've had to give my pain to the Lord over and over.  I struggled for years when I was young wondering if God cared about my pain, but I learned He did.  I realize that I come across to people as a strong person, who knows who she is and isn't.  This is true.  I am strong.  God made me this way and I have to be strong.  My family needs me to be.  

I had one pastor once tell me, "Giving Up is not an Option."  

He was right.  

Yesterday, I sat on the back porch of my home and something my dad emailed me a month ago came to my mind.  My dad is dying.  He reached out to me through a family member because he wanted to email me.  The purpose of his email?  

To tell me that he has been better off without me in his life for 25 years.  He is happier than he has ever been and I am his motivation.  There were no questions about me or my family.  There was no, "How are you?"  

You see, my dad disowned me early in my 20s, so we haven't spoken by phone or email in years.  But, even so, what a horrible thing to say to their child!  

I know I have a choice.  I can let this define me and mire me down.  Or I can realize that my dad is a very broken man who doesn't know the Lord.  I can cling to God, knowing that He made me and He loves me.  

Over the years, there have been other things that have been said to me...

"You're unloveable.  I tried, but I just can't love you." an ex-boyfriend years and years ago.

"Everyone doesn't like you." just a few years ago by someone I thought was a friend.

"We don't like you and this is why..." back in 7th grade by a group of girls.

Words are daggers.  They can be hateful and damaging.  Without knowing and understanding that God loved me, I don't know how I would be standing today as healthy as I am.  

Each of those words has a story behind it.... An ex-boyfriend who told the same thing to four other girls he dated because the problem was really his own issues...a woman who felt insecure because I thought a group of people should change and welcome people more...and a group of 7th grade girls who systematically turned on each other after they turned on me.  

James 3: 5-12 talks about the fires that our tongues can start.  It is so true!  

5 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

7 All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue.  It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God's likeness.  10 Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing.  My brothers and sisters, this should not be.  11 Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring?  12 My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives or a grapevine bear figs?  Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.  

I've written about this same idea before on this blog.  But, it's on my heart this morning because the Lord is having to remind me about it again.  Each time the words that have hurt me creep in me, I have to remember... "God loves me, my family loves me, and I do have friends."  

 

Nobody likes you

When I was getting my master's degree in education, one of our assignments required us to pick a book to read and write a report about it.  The book had to be chosen from a selection of books on varied topics in regard to education.  I chose You Can't Say You Can't Play by Vivian Paley.  At the time I read it, I had no idea how much a single book would impact my philosophy about life for years to come.

The book's premise is a simple one.  Paley conducted a social experiment in her kindergarten classroom and made a new rule:  You can't say, "You Can't Play (with me/us)".  The kindergarteners response to its introduction was astonishing.  One child even asked rhetorically what the point of play was if they couldn't say it! Yet, the rule changed the climate of her classroom in an extremely positive way and children who had been excluded the first few weeks of school found friends.  She also asked a 4th grade classroom at the same time to try this rule for a month.  They were skeptical, but they nonetheless implemented the rule.  At the end of the experiment with the 4th graders, the students asked why no one had given them this rule before, because they wished a teacher had!

The events in my life this week reminded me of how adults and children live out and bring about the exclusion of the people they want to keep out of their circles.  As children go beyond kindergarten, "You can't play with us" morphs into "Nobody likes you".  Often that is followed up with... "This is why..."

When I was a teenager, this was said to me more than once as a way to tell me to go away.  But, I watched as the same people used the same statement on others afterwards to manipulate and bully them.  A few years ago, this was said to me when someone didn't like that I was encouraging a group to be more friendly and open.  I left.  I walked away.  It caused me to ask the question as to whether it was true.  I remember the last Sunday asking someone, "Was I ever wanted here?"  The person (not knowing about what had been said to me) said that I had always been wanted there.  Last year, it was written in a dialogue someone shared with me by a teenager.  A couple of kids were involved in the dialogue.  One parent was grateful to find out about it and encouraging to me.  Another parent responded with the words that "it's just a chat, a text--  It doesn't really matter that much."

Does it not matter?  Why do people throw those words around?  I know I'm not the only one who's had those words said to them.  My children have already heard those words from other kids before over the past few years.

So, why do people--adults and children say them?  Those words are a way to exclude people-- a way to get people to do or not do what we want them to do.   They are also a way to hurt the people who they feel hurt by.

I remember the first time I saw it with my own children.  A little girl had come over for a few minutes and grabbed the hand of one of my girls and said to the other--"You can't play with us."  I stopped the girls as soon as I caught what was happening and explained that we don't do that at our house--everyone plays together.

A year later, I watched as my oldest daughter was looked up and down by another girl when she tried to talk to her at a birthday party.  I saw it in the girls' eyes as she turned around and ignored my daughter.  Yet, my daughter still tried to talk to her.  I called her over and instructed her to talk to someone else.  She, my compliant child, did--but she didn't understand.

As I've watched all three of my kids grow, they've learned how to make good friends--friends who like them for who they are.  I've also watched a few of them change and turn their backs on my kids.  My advice to them has always been--when someone doesn't want to be your friend, go find someone who does.  They've taken that advice to heart and have made some great friends in the process!  They value their friends who accept them and who they enjoy hanging out with.  But, they also hurt deeply when they see or hear other kids being hurt by others' words.  These experiences have begun to shape my kids.  I see them valuing their true friends and letting go of the ones who aren't.  I see God shaping their hearts through the pain and joys of friendship.  

Tonight when I opened up this post to finish writing down the thoughts swirling in my head, I was surprised to realize that this is a theme that seems to run through my life.  I keep hoping it will leave me and stop pressing on my heart, yet it hasn't.  

This year has been a hard year for the world.  Covid-19 and a divisive election in the U.S.  Families and friends split apart, kept apart.  Some of it done to protect one another.  Some of it done out of disagreement with one another.  

Covid-19 has brought out the best and the worst in people.  I've watched people be kinder in some ways and meaner in others.  But, there is enough to talk about on that subject to write a whole post and I fear it would take away from the subject of this post.  The second event that divided people this year, though-- the election-- has more relevance.

You can't play with me... if you disagree with me.

In my life, I have been told every few years that I'm not liked.  Sometimes I've been told that everyone doesn't like me.  Sometimes it's just been the person telling me.  When I was a teenager an adult in my life told me that if someone hurts them, they would hurt them back harder.  This made me realize that hurting people hurt people.  Knowing that has helped me have compassion for the people who have said these things to me over the years.  I've come to understand that not everyone is going to like me.  No one is liked by everyone, really.  

But, this year I was told by someone that basically, "I don't like you if you disagree with me."  My heart feels very sad as I write that.  I lost a friend who doesn't feel she can be my friend because I disagreed with her about the national election results.  I had heard about the election dividing friends and family.  I have good friends who have chosen not to say anything to family members they disagree with in order to keep the peace.  But, I didn't expect it to happen to me.  Yet, it did.  

Why?  I think this election cycle was different than ones that I have lived through in the past.  Social media ramped up in a way I haven't seen before.  Posts were written in ways that insulted people who disagreed with the ideas in them.  I remember one string of comments in which people bantered and kept saying, "How could anyone be so stupid to vote for the other candidate?"  I did.  I was one of those people.  It seemed as if people lost a lot of politeness.  When I read some of what the media was publishing, I saw that loss there as well.  I listen mostly to NPR and read the Economist.  I  have realized that the tone of the articles on these news sources is more polite and more middle of the road.  The Economist is written from a more global perspective.  When I have glanced at Fox News, World Magazine, and CNN, the words used have much stronger connotations.  I watched one news clip and it helped me understand why people felt so angry after watching it (angry in the way the speaker did), yet the speaker kept saying things that had been proven to be false.  Anger is a very powerful emotion.  It makes a person feel in control, though they really aren't.  Anger is also a very destructive emotion and can do so much damage in the blink of an eye.  

Part of being friends with someone is knowing that you won't always agree.  Over the years, I have really appreciated the friends who I could discuss things--whether it was education, history, parenting, or our faith.  There is a saying that "good friends can agree to disagree".  I hope that when the dust settles after this election, people will realize how relationships have been hurt and seek to heal them.  

You can't play with me.  It doesn't matter if you're a kid or an adult.  The words still hurt.  In my heart, I don't think they need to or should be said.  My kids know when someone doesn't like them without them saying it.  So do I.  But, the words do make it hurt more.  

Strange Obituary

This is a longer note than I can post on Facebook, but it is over the years I have noticed something that I have never quite been able to reconcile with.

When people die and get married, often a very different picture is painted of reality. 

And it troubles me. 

I have known parents who were abusive throughout their lives to their children when they were both children and adults, who have been painted as loving husbands/wives and fathers/mothers who cared deeply for their families when they die.  Yet, the family members told me these people were unkind and selfish, which is to put it mildly.  Their children were deeply wounded by what they had endured from their parents throughout their lives. 

I noticed this morning on the news that there was outrage that the young man who murdered several people in Dayton, Ohio, was painted as a kind and loving young man--yet no mention was made of how he died.  In a way, I understand their consternation and frustration. 

Yet, I experience that same emotion when I watch abusive and selfish people painted as saints when they die. 

When people marry, there is often a similar situation.  People are painted as highly religious who are not.  And the opposite is also true.  Religious people are painted in the opposite way. 

I remember my own wedding and our frustration when our pastor did not recite the traditional vows that we had expected.  Instead, we recited more modern vows that took out several things that we valued.  We had simply assumed that he would recite the traditional vows and he had never indicated before the wedding that he would do otherwise.  Yet, it was our strong faith in the Lord that was the crux of our relationship.

Several years ago, I knew someone who had a wedding which was a full Catholic mass--yet the person didn't believe in God and claimed to be a secular humanist.  The spouse painted themselves to be highly religious yet didn't live out those values, and instead was quite a conniving, ungracious, and unforgiving person!

But, where does that leave me? 

Troubled.  Unsure of how to sort through my frustration at how people are being painted as kind and loving when they weren't or aren't.  My cynicism about human nature and distrust in people is given large amounts of fuel by such things, which I dislike.  I want to believe that people are real and are being honest with me.

So, how do I respond?  How should I respond?

1.  When I have a friend who's parent is emotionally and mentally or physically abusive to them, I encourage them that they do not have to continue in that relationship the way it is.  They can step back and set boundaries.  When the relationship remains the same, the person allows the abuser to continue sinning against them.  I encourage my friend in the truth--that God loves them and that they are valuable.

2.  I pray for couples who misrepresent the state of their hearts at their weddings.  I pray that they would have faith in the Lord.  I pray for God to hold their marriages together and that when they find themselves in great conflict with each other that they might realize that it is only God who is truly able to hold marriages together.  Every marriages is that of two sinners married to each other and we do struggle with one another.  It is inevitable. 

3.  I pray for the people I know who have been hurt by deceptive and manipulative people.  I pray for myself and ask God to heal my heart from what I have endured and how I have been treated.  I strive to give those hurts to Him and remember that He understands.  Truly He does. 

Silent Pain

A few months ago, I read a blog post that a friend on Facebook had linked to.  The mom was lamenting her life and explaining that no one understands how hard her life is, but also that it is truly harder than anyone else's.

After I read the post, I felt differently than the author did.   Throughout the post, she talked of friends she had--friends who listened, friends who tried to help.  She even getting to go on a girls' night out.  From where I stand, she has many huge blessings.

Her friends and family may have loved her and her family imperfectly... but they were clearly trying.  If she has gone on a girls' night out, she has had some time with friends--by herself. 

Each of us face struggles every day.  Some are silent and invisible.  Some are more visible.  This mom in the post has a special needs child.  Her struggles are very real.

So are mine--even though they are invisible and silent. 

Mine aren't less or more than hers.

They are different.

When I read posts like that one, I feel like someone is saying to me that my struggles are less, though they aren't.  She doesn't know me.  She doesn't know my life.

When I read posts like that one, I pray and hope that she will see the blessings and support she has in her life--that she talked about in her post.  Support networks I don't have where I am.  Some pain and struggles are silent and invisible so they do not garner support.

I spoke with a woman yesterday morning who shared with me the story of how her marriage ended several years ago.  She tried to talk to her church elders and explain what was going on.  But, they didn't believe her because her ex-husband was very eloquent and believable.  She knew she had to get a divorce for her own safety.

Her struggle was very real, but people she trusted denied it.

What I would wish for that blogger is that instead of focusing on how her struggles are more and harder than others is that she would focus on her struggles and turning to the Lord for the strength.  In some ways, she has so much more than others have!  And I pray then that her eyes would open and she would have compassion for others' struggles.

Twisting Scripture

Two months ago, I read a post that a page I followed had linked to on Facebook.  I was curious, so I went to the article and read it on the site Gentle Reformation (www.gentlereformation.com.  The title of the post was "A Letter to the Inactive Member".  As I read even the first paragraph, my heart became unsettled.  Something was implied in the first paragraph that was a slight twisting on Scripture.  It wasn't directly stated, but it was there, so I read on to see what the author would say as he wrote on.

What the author, Kyle Borg, implied in the first paragraph of what he wrote was a particular interpretation of the Parable of the Lost Sheep from Luke 15.  I felt he implied that when the shepherd has to go after the lost sheep that the lost sheep is negligent because he/she is causing the shepherd to neglect the other ninety-nine--and that is irresponsible and unfair to the shepherd and the other ninety-nine sheep.

These are his words as to why it is of concern if a member of a church is going to service, but not actively participating outside of the worship service each Sunday: "But it’s not only a great discouragement for a pastor (and congregation), it is also a good reason for concern. An inactive member is one of the sheep that has gone astray and requires the shepherd to leave the ninety-nine to go after the one."

When I read the author's words, I felt concern in my heart, but I knew that the best thing to do was go directly to the scripture--the Bible.  So, I opened my Bible to Luke 15…

The parable says this:

15 Now the tax collectors and sinners were all gathering around to hear Jesus.2 But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, “This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.”

3 Then Jesus told them this parable: 4 “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? 5 And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders 6 and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ 7 I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

Luke 15:1-7, NIV

The point of the parable when I sit and read it is not the shepherd being resentful or that he has to leave the 99 other sheep, but rather that he misses the one and rejoices when he finds that lost sheep.  There is no name calling or belittling of the sheep--"What a dumb sheep you are!  How could you go get lost like that?!"  Instead, there is rejoicing.  The shepherd is glad that he has found the lost sheep.  The parable is introduced by the Pharisees having an accusation about Jesus that he receives and eats with sinners.

This week I have been listening to Rosaria Butterfield's newest book, "The Gospel Comes with a House Key: Practicing Radically Ordinary Hospitality in our Post-Christian World".  Early in the book she talks about the paradox of Christianity--Jesus ate with sinners but did not sin like sinners; He lived in the world, but he did not live like the world.  Jesus was eating with the sinners because He wanted to.  It was intentional.  

Often it can be tempting to take our own world view and apply it to God's Word.  I know I did by picking the words irresponsible and negligent to describe what “being required to go after the sheep” means that the shepherd feels towards the lost sheep.  But, the man who wrote the post is a pastor.  Is he tired?  Does he feel that he had to neglect his congregation because of the people who were members but weren't attending and he felt he had to go chase after them?  I don't know.  I don't know him.  I am sure that his experiences as a pastor shaped what he wrote and the choice to describe the shepherd as being required to go after the lost sheep because of the actions of the lost sheep.  

But, we have to be careful not to take scripture out of context.  The Parable of the Lost Sheep is not about the Shepherd being resentful that he had to leave the 99 sheep to go find the one.  The focus of the parable is on finding the lost one and that every sheep is important--even the one that gets lost.  Much rejoicing is had when the sheep is found!

Recently, I heard the story of a friend who grew up in a church that twisted the meaning of the word grace.  The meaning the members of the church were taught sounded like the truth, but wasn’t Biblical.  It changed so much for my friend.  

Twisting scripture is dangerous.  One thing I had pointed out to me a long time ago is that while we may want to know other details about a story in the Bible, the details that are there are included on purpose.  My concern about the way this pastor interpreted Luke 15 and the lost sheep is that the focus then shifts to the shepherd and what he "is required" to do, instead of the verse that mentions that the Pharisees were concerned that Jesus cared about the sinners, even ate with them and then Jesus told the parable of the lost sheep-- a sheep was lost, the shepherd went to find the sheep, and rejoiced when he found the sheep.  There is no mention in the Bible that the Shepherd was required to go--instead it is implied that he wanted to go and rejoiced when he found the sheep!

The premise for this post about inactive members was only the beginning of my concerns about it.  I found that I had several other significant concerns about the assumptions and conclusions the author made and I have been struggling for the past two months about how to express these concerns so that they might be heard.  I wanted to post this article first before I delve into those in a future post...  

Ah, the teenage years!

My girls have both entered their teenage years.  Yet, they are so different from each other.  In conversations with each of them this past week, I became aware of moments when I frustrated them.  And I was reminded of something that my husband warned me about a while ago.  He advised me to tread carefully with them even when I have strong opinions because I need to protect and preserve my relationships with them so that they might here me when I need them to--and when I want them to.

Last week, my oldest daughter and I went to a college fair.  Those kind of things are fascinating to me and aren't intimidating at all.  My daughter on the other hand, was a bit overwhelmed.  But, I plowed on ahead.  I learned some information that I needed to know to help me select her courses for high school that I hadn't known before--even though I had already done a lot of research already.  The most helpful part of the night for my daughter was a table we stopped at that gave her a stack of cards to sort through to help her discern what types of careers she might be interested in.  We talked later and discussed it.  What she learned.  What I learned.  She and I are in a place where we need to start to switch roles.  She needs to get into the driver's seat.  I'm not a helicopter mom, per se.  I'm just a "do"er.  If something needs to be done, I will do it.  So, I need to consciously switch gears and guide her in the doing rather than "doing" what needs to be done myself. 

We're going to go to another college fair in two weeks.  This time she has time to prepare (we only learned of the other one that morning and had no time to discuss it beforehand).  I asked her to think of what questions she has.  What would she like to know?  This time is going to be a little different...

My other daughter is a very typical teenager and her tone of voice can quickly rub me the wrong way.  It sounds on the edge of being disrespectful and questioning--yet, when I say something, almost every time I realize that she doesn't realize how she sounds and looks.  In the Journey of the Strong Willed Child by Kendra Smiley, the author talks about the importance of not taking a strong willed child's words and actions personal.  What they are doing is about them, not you--the parent.  My daughter's words and responses are indeed about her heart and I need to remember that and be patient.  I need to not take them personal and respond the way her tone makes me feel. 

Oh, to be a teenager!  What a journey...

The ups and downs...

A few weeks ago, I was listening to a mom telling me that she was in a place where she was really enjoying homeschooling and feeling good about being a mom.  She was in one of those places I've been before--savoring a moment of peace and contentment that you're doing what God wants you to and that things are working!  I remember the first time I had that feeling.  I think it was after the end of my oldest daughter's second grade year.  The feeling lasted for a month or so.

Since then, I've had times when I've felt that peace about parenting and school.  Sometimes that peace lasted minutes, sometimes hours, days, weeks, or months.  But, I have learned that it comes and goes.  Having it is a blessing--a time of rest.  When it is absent though, I have learned that it doesn't mean things are wrong, instead, it usually means one of two things for me... 1.  It's time to step back and evaluate.  What's working, what's not.  and 2.  It's also time to just put one foot in front of the other. 

I talked with a young woman on Saturday in a store who told me that she felt like she is just working her life away.  She's going to college and working two part-time jobs.  I nodded my head and understood.  I had three part-time jobs while I went to grad school.  So, I agreed with her that it was tough but that she would get through it.  I asked her what she wanted to do and it turns out that she really wants to be a missionary.  But, she doesn't want to go on a short term missions trip.  She really just longs to be out there.  So, I encouraged her to look for a week long camp of sorts--maybe through YWAM or Navigators--to help her get reenergized and remember where she's heading and why she's doing what she's doing. 

I feel like that's what we need as moms too.  I do.  A lot of moms I've known over the years who homeschool go to conferences and that really encourages them and reenergizes them.  That never worked for my family and our schedule.  But, what I did have were conversations.  I found that finding a friend I could talk to about homeschooling, or parenting, or life, was often just what I need. 

But, what do we do when we feel like there isn't anyone we can talk to?  Sometimes it's because there isn't any quiet space in our lives.  Sometimes it's because our family has constant needs.  Sometimes it's because we feel empty and it's hard to get back up or we feel hurt and it's hard to go out on a limb again and ask for help.  And Satan would love that!  But, I don't believe that's what God wants.  When I read the Word, I hear that "He will never leave me nor forsake me."  I really need to remember that.  Sometimes it's really easy to forget it, though. 

And sometimes people let us down so when we do reach out, we get rejected when we're already hurting.  I remember after I had my second child and my family wasn't plugged into a church yet.  We weren't members because we were still searching.  I reached out to a church because I was seriously depressed but when the woman I spoke with realized that we weren't committed members yet, she said she couldn't help me and that I needed to go somewhere else (but she didn't have anywhere to suggest when I asked).  I was so hurt.  I didn't know what to do and I didn't know who to reach out to.  But, I should have remembered... God said He would never leave me nor forsake me.  I learned what it felt like to be rejected while in a pit.  But, I also saw God provide in unexpected ways and simply get me through it step by step by putting.. one foot in front of the other.  I'm still standing.  And I learned to stop and help when someone in a pit reaches out to me.  I don't want to be that person who says, "I can't help you." 

If I were playing a football game right now, someone would say that I have taken a lot of hard hits this season (aka this past year).  It's been really hard to get back up.  To find someone willing to listen and talk.  But, I think part of that is just in my head because I have to fight the wrong things that someone said to me last year that still linger in my head.  When I look at reality, I can see that I've made new friends in each of the places we've lived this year.  Friends that have changed my life and who I'm thankful for.  I think that Satan really tries to tell us that we're alone and that no one, least of all God, cares.  But, that's not the truth.  None of us are truly alone.  And if you're my friend and know me, well, I always tell my friends that it doesn't matter if it's day or night.  Call me or email me (if it's after 10 pm unless it's an emergency :) which in case definitely call!) if you need to talk! 

But, that's just my two cents for whatever it's worth...

How to Use 100 Easy Lessons to Teach Reading

When I was student teaching in first grade over fifteen years ago, I remember being in awe of how a child learns to read.  I felt this enormous amazement at how a child's brain connects symbols to sounds, sounds together to make words, and then words together to make sentences and to make meaning!  In the school where I student taught, there was no set curriculum.  Teachers always wrote their own.  Fast forward to when my oldest daughter was 4.  It was time to start teaching the letters!  And then we'd be on to reading.

I wasn't sure how to teach the letters and their sounds.  I couldn't find a curriculum with my oldest daughter that would teach me how.  So, my oldest daughter, at age 4, and my middle daughter, at age 2, learned their letters and sounds by watching Leapfrog's Letter Factory DVD.  Then, they both went through the Explode the Code books A, B, and C.  These books are wonderful!  They focus on developing a child's visual discrimination (essential building block for good reading), ability to follow directions (on the clues page), beginning phonics skills, and fine motor skills.  It is very important to get the teacher's guide to go with these books because otherwise a child can't complete the clue pages in the books.

By the time my son was ready for his alphabet, I finally found a curriculum that would teach me "how" to teach the alphabet.  It was Hooked on Phonics, Pre-K.  I love the video that comes with the series.  For each letter, there are several kinesthetic activities to do for each letter.  Part 1 focuses on the capital letters and Part 2 on the lowercase letters.  I also used The Letter of the Week, Book 1 by the Mailbox Books Staff.  This was great letter reinforcement and cut and paste practice, which my left-handed child needed.

Once my children learned their letters, it was time to start learning to read.  Initially, I started out with the Ordinary Parent's Guide to Teaching Reading by Jessie Wise.  This book does give instructions on how to teach the alphabet, but since my oldest daughter already knew that, I started with the reading lessons.  I had chosen this book because Jessie Wise talks so persuasively in her book The Well-Trained Mind.  After reading WTM, it felt as if the OPGTR must be right!  I am not exactly sure what it is about Ms. Wise's writing, but she writes in such a way that makes the reader feel that if you follow the model she sets forth, then you will be guaranteed to have a very well-educated and academically successfuly child.    What I learned as I started using the Ordinary Parent's Guide is that the reason there are so many different curriculum is that there are so many different children--there is no one program that will work for all children.

Autumn and I spent three weeks on the first lesson of OPGR and it wasn't clicking for her.  I had looked at How to Teach your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons, but had been so puzzled by the strange markings that I had put it back on my shelf.  After 3 weeks, though, I gave up and went back to the drawing board.  I was putting a lot of pressure on myself and my daughter.  No one my husband works with homeschools and I felt that I had to keep up with the Jones' and prove to the world that this homeschooling thing would be the right thing for my family--I needed to prove to myself and others that my daughter would and could learn better at home than in a school setting. 

At this point, I pulled 100 Easy Lessons off the shelf and started working with it.  This is when it clicked and I figured out how to use this book.  Whenever I talk to parents about this book, I encourage parents not to go straight through this book, one lesson per day, from one to 100.  Here's why:

1.  We want our children to love reading and learning.  Forcing reading down their throats will only push them away.

2.  There are several big clicks that need to happen in the book (1 is somewhere around lessons 30-40, and a second is around lesson 60, and a third around 70-80).  These clicks are different for every child, but I did see all three of my children have big clicks.  If a child pushes ahead without those clicks, they won't become fluent readers.  It will take them longer to learn to read.

3.  You don't want your child to learn to read from simply rote memory, but rather to develop phonics skills in the process.  So, I did 5 lessons, then backed up, repeated and went forward 10 lessons, went back 5 lessons, repeated and went forward 5 or 10 lessons.  If my child stumbled at all, I'd back up 5 and repeat.

4.  I started using this book with my kids in PK4.  But, in that first year, I did 1/2 a lesson each time I worked with my kids.  By the end of PK4, one of my kids was at lesson 20, one at lesson 30, and one at lesson 15.  But, by the end of grade 2, they were all done.  It is 100 easy lessons, but my kids all finished at different points--1 was done by the end of kindergarten, 1 in the middle of 1st and 1 at the end of 1st.  When a child is done with 100 Easy lessons, they will have a 2nd grade reading level.

5.  After 100 easy lessons, I continue with Phonics Pathways, reading 1-2 pages per day (repeating when they don't get them to practice).  100 Easy Lessons doesn't do a lot of work with compound and multisyllabic words, which kids need and Phonics Pathways covers. 

6.  I don't do the writing portion at the end of the lessons.  My kids fine motor skills developed later and I didn't want that part of the lessons to frustrate my kids.

7.  100 Easy Lessons is one of the few reading programs that is not based on rhyme and that is why it works for many kids when other programs don't.  But, it also teaches rhyme!  And it is one of the few programs that teaches rhyme.  My oldest daughter is an excellent reader (always several grades above her reading level) but she didn't get rhyme until she was in 2nd grade.  Ironically, she wrote poetry as naturally as most people breathe air in 2nd grade, so not rhyming early did not impede her reading or writing development. 

8.  I use Explode the Code alongside 100 Easy Lessons.  If a child reads easily, 100 Easy Lessons and Explode the Code whole and half number books are enough phonics.  But, if a child struggles, I would add in the phonics lessons from the Explode the Code teachers guides.  Using these books together would provide an inexpensive and strong phonics program.

As for where to buy these books...  CBD is the best place to get the Explode the Code books and
Teacher's books inexpensively.  Each Explode the Code book is about $7 and the teacher's guides cost about the same, but 1 teacher's guides covers 2 whole number books and 2 half number books.  As for 100 Easy Lessons, it hasn't been updated in years so a new or used copy can be purchased on Amazon.  When I checked, a used copy could be purchased for $10.50 and a new one for $18.  If you're going to use it with several children, a new copy is worth it.  As for Phonics Pathways, don't buy anything older than the 9th edition.  It has some great eye tracking exercises in the back that may come in handy!  Dolores Hiskes also wrote Reading Pathways (older editions are titled Pyramid) and this can be a helpful book if kids are skipping words and need more practice tracking. 

It's been several years since my kids finished their phonics lessons.  My youngest has just started book 8 of Explode the Code because I use it in place of spelling through 3rd/4th grade.  Explode the Code really is an amazing series because it works on visual discrimination, reading comprehension, blends, spelling, writing, and pulling words apart and putting them together (a modified Orton Gillingham type approach).  I am so glad I found these books to use.  They gave all of my children a solid base in reading.  So solid that all of my kids have always read well above grade level--

I hope that I've remembered everything in this post.  Please comment if you have any thoughts or questions! 

And the series goes on... and on...

Just a few posts ago, I wrote a review of the book Troubled Waters by Susan May Warren.  And it's already time to write a review of the next book in the series! 

Storm Front is the next installation in the series.  So many Christian fiction series only have three

books in them.  So, when I read the third book in this series I expected it to end--but it didn't!  Now, the series is up to book #5 and it's clear that this isn't the last book in that series.  One more book will be published this coming November.

Storm Front tells the story of another search and rescue team member, Ty, and the woman who has captured his interest, Brette Arnold.  It hasn't been smooth sailing and both have troubled pasts.  Their paths cross after a tornado hits a town where another member of the search and rescue team was performing in a music concert.  This story tells the tale of their search for missing people after the storm has past.  This book moves through the plot and smooth pace.  The characters are likeable and flawed people.  Perfect people really aren't as likeable.  It is harder to identify with them, picture them as real because we are all flawed. 

This book didn't engage me as much as the previous novels in the series did.  But, because I've enjoyed the series I want to know what happens to the other characters.  This is a series that makes a lot more sense if you start with book 1, Wild Montana Skies.  Some series you're able to just read any book in the series and it will make sense.  But, in this case, Storm Front, really makes more sense if you read the other books first. 

Please note that I received a complimentary copy of the ebook of this book for review from Revell Books. 

A little behind...

I'm a little behind in my book reviews.  A lot has been going on in my house.  House projects, homeschooling, sports, and the like.  Amidst all of that, I've read a few books that I need to write a few quick posts about... so here goes!

The first book in my stack is Bountiful Blessings:  A Creative Devotional Experience by Susie Larson.  Several years ago, I read a book by Ms. Larson that I loved--Growing Grateful Kids.  So, I
was very curious about this devotional.

This book is a very short.  For each day, there is a Bible verse, a short blessing/prayer based on that verse(s) and a 5' x 7' coloring page. 

I'm not quite sure what I think of this devotional.  If it's what you're looking for, then it's okay.  But, the question is what are you looking for?  What am I looking for? 

This isn't what I'm looking for.  The coloring pages take time.  I don't have a lot of time.   And I wasn't always comfortable with the blessings.  I'm not a name it and claim it believer. 

So, I'm reading another devotional instead.  It's titled 31 Days Towards Trusting God by Jerry Bridges.  I read part of a day each day.  It has been very encouraging to me and challenged me.  I wanted more meat in a devotional.  I do highly recommend this devotional!  I have read the book Trusting God before and done the Bible study that goes along with the book.  Both deeply encouraged me, so I love reading this devotional. 

At different times in my life, I have found that I have more time for my morning devotions than at others.  Right now, I don't have a lot.  So, this book works well for me! 

Please note that I received a copy of Bountiful Blessings for review from Bethany House, but that these opinions are entirely my own.

And the Series Goes On...

I enjoy getting into a book series and looking forward to the next one!  There have been several series I've enjoyed over the years, but right now there's a Christian fiction author that I enjoy reading.  It's Susan May Warren.  Her books are the typical Christian fiction and I've wondered why I like them more than others...

I think it is because the first series I read by her looked at a family of five kids and how their relationships changed as they became adults.  God helped me consider what that looked like.  My husband is the oldest of six kids.  Over the course of our marriage they have all become adults.  We read books because they help us to make sense of our own lives--as Leland Ryken says. 

I find that amidst the stress of life I can't handle heavy books filled with drama, but I can read light Christian Fiction. 

In the latest series from Susan May Warren, she writes about a group of rescue workers in Montana.  The last installment came out in January--Troubled Waters. 

The series began with a question mark about the relationship between Sierra and Ian Shaw.  This book finally brings them together.  The rescue squad's helicopter crashes.  So, Sierra decides to fundraise to help replace the helicopter.  Sierra heads out on Ian's yacht with a couple of his friends only to encounter some "troubled waters".  This story falls in line with the three books that precede it.  This book can stand alone, but it makes much more sense in light of the series.  I'd recommend starting with book one of this series (Wild Montana Skies).  This book flows well, with fun characters that easy to imagine.  It keeps going at a steady pace and never holds you up for too long! 

Ian and Sierra have been two of my favorite characters of the books and I looked forward to this book.  It didn't disappoint!  If you enjoy contemporary Christian fiction, I'd recommend this series!

Please note that I received a complimentary ebook copy of this book for review from Revell Books, but these opinions are entirely my own! 

Correcting One Another...

I have come to the conclusion that people often do not realize how harshly they speak and how long their correction stays with people or how it damages relationships. I think we really need to think long and hard before we speak to someone in an effort "to correct what we think is wrong in someone else". Matthew 7:3-5

Here's an interesting and different take on speaking the truth in love... see article HERE According to Tony Reinke, that verse actually applies to speaking the Gospel truth into someone's life--not correcting minor flaws you might perceive in someone else. It's easy to want to correct someone in how they are treating you, but is that loving? Is it necessary (unless it is abusive or manipulative--in which case it definitely is)?

I have observed that it is easy to want to control how people treat us when we feel out of control in our own lives (or grew up feeling out of control in our childhoods) and tell people how to treat you, but I don't believe that is what real friends do for each other. I don't believe that's what loving others really means.

We don't ever really know all that is going on in another person's life. No one knows the load I truly carry and I don't know anyone else's full load. Why add to that? What if those words are the criticism that is the straw that breaks the camel's back? Instead of criticizing one another, wouldn't it be wiser to grow in grace and forgiveness towards one another? Speaking the Gospel truth is a different matter--it is life giving and strengthening. It is a different matter altogether.

Fun, Light Hearted Reading

Whew.  A few weeks ago amidst the stress of life, I sat down and took a little break from it all.  I had fun reading the latest novel by Jen Turano.

Out of the Ordinary is the second novel (after a novella and novel) of her Apart from the Crowd Series.  It tells the story of Miss Gertrude Cadwalader and Harrison Sinclair.  They have quite the names, of course!  Ms. Turano's main characters are always quite likeable and fun to read about.  Gertrude is a companion to a very eccentric woman who is quite the thief!  Her escapades were touched upon in the first book, Behind the Scenes.  As the reader, Gertrude's character will draw you in and make you smile.  This story meanders around until it finally arrives at a happy finish.  The writing is descriptive and keeps things moving along.  There are the good characters and the bad ones who produce the conflict at the heart of the story.

I have to be honest.  I can always depend and look forward to reading one of Ms. Turano's books when they come out because they are funny and light-hearted (and unbelievable of course as any fairy tale-ish story is).  My husband constantly teases me about reading books like Out of the Ordinary.  He reads much more serious fiction.  But, my heart just needs a break and a happy ending when I pick up a book!

This book delivered just that--a fun break from life.  I could smile and chuckle as I read about Gertrude's adventures with Harrison and her friends.  It was a breath of fresh air!

As I was getting to post this, I discovered on Amazon that the next book in this series is going to be published next July.  I am so glad!  As I was reading this story, I had really wanted to know what happens to Gertrude's friend Temperance...

Please note that I received a complimentary copy of this book from Bethany House Publishing for review, but these opinions are my own.

Engaging with Social Media

I realized yesterday that it's been about a year since I got back on Facebook.  It was quite the anniversary...

I chose to comment on a thread in a homeschool group I had joined on Facebook.  The person who started the thread asked for insight about how to help her young daughter who didn't want to do her handwriting.  I commented that I had been reading a book about handwriting research and that it was interesting to read about the important connection between the automaticity of handwriting and becoming a fluent writer.

Someone else commented and asked for the title of the book--which I replied with.  Then, the original person who started the thread commented about how she agreed with the importance of reading and writing and that they are foundational.

Well, it went downhill from there...

I replied with this, "I agree that reading and writing are the foundation of everything. ;) "

I included the wink.  The wink just meant to me that I agreed--and I thought that most people would agree--

But, a woman took offense to my simple statement.  She attacked me and my "wink".  I was surprised, but I shouldn't have been.

This is the way of social media.  People make assumptions about other people and think the worst--rather than the best. 

The commenter in this case went on about how I simply didn't understand what it was to have a child with learning disabilities and that reading and writing are not essential--that someone could function in the world without being able to write. 

The ironic thing about all of it is that God has laid it on my heart to pursue understanding learning disabilities better and specifically struggles with reading and writing.  This woman didn't know me, nor did she know this about me. 

I responded to her comment that no tone was meant by the wink and that my statement had no particular tone.   I reminded her that she didn't know me nor know my heart or experience with kids. 

And then I said that her comment is one of the reasons I stayed off social media, and Facebook in particular, for five years. 

I've thought about getting back off.  I start a lot of conversations with friends asking how they manage and approach the pitfalls of social media because it is a part of our lives for better or for worse. 

I've discovered that most people I know have concerns about social media.

What common struggles do we have?

We all see the lives of others and at times think that their lives are easier or better than ours. 
We can compare ourselves and feel that we have failed personally or professionally--that we are less that we should be or can be. 
We get caught up in the gossipy details about people's lives.
We're privvy to complaints that family members have against others that we'd rather not know about. 
We only hear one side of the story and it's easy to get caught up judging the other side--the one we don't know. 

But, what is the antidote to these struggles?  Is there a way to find our way through it?  Is staying off social media the only solution? 

I think there are a few ways I've found and I've heard from friends to deal with these things. 

1.  You don't have to friend everyone.  Be wise. 
2.  You don't have to unfriend people who's posts you don't want to see--you can unfollow them. 
3.  Keep your privacy settings tight.
4.  Set boundaries with yourself about how much you want/don't want to get on social media. 
             For me, I only have facebook access on my computer.  I did put the app on my phone.  So, I
            don't get pinged when someone posts and I'm not distracted by it when I'm not home.  I have
            other friends who only get one once a week or who only use it to connect with family
            members. 
5.  Practice thinking the best of people and not the worst.
6.  Weigh the emotional costs of engaging in banter on a post.  Does the person have ears to hear or would it be a case of throwing pearls before swine that they might turn and trample upon--and then attack you?  If you don't want to comment, you can always PM someone if you have a positive thing to say or simply want to ask a different question.  I've gone this route multiple times.

But, I haven't figured it all out at all.  It still hurts when strangers say unkind things when I choose to share something I think in reply to a question they've asked.  I struggle when I know there are two sides of a story and one person is broadcasting their side and people are jumping on board--criticizing the other side.  It makes me sad when I find myself comparing myself with others. 

It's not easy to figure out what to do.