Over the past few months, I have read the book "Forgive: Why Should I, How Can I?" by Tim Keller. I rarely read books when they are released, but this one caught my attention and I wanted to read it.
For the most part, I really enjoyed the book. I found the text to be very helpful and it challenged me to look at my own heart and past experiences and responses. It also helped me articulate and identify some of the changes I have seen in our culture over the past decade that have concerned me. I would recommend this book--with two warnings.
The first warning is that this book doesn't give a lot of attention to addressing abusive relationships and forgiveness. I wish that had been more attention given to abuse and harmful relationships and what biblical responses to such relationships might be. That would have been helpful, I think. The second warning is my disagreement with Appendix D: Reconciliation Practices.
In Appendix D, Keller walks the reader through the steps of how to have a reconciliations conversation. I think the advice in this appendix is not wise. Here's the gist of the instructions: Go to the other person and tell them what you think you've done wrong. Then ask them to tell you everything they think you've done wrong in the situation and then repent of what you did that you admitted and also that they've told you you did wrong. Then--"if necessary" according to Tim Keller, address how the other person has wronged you. (pg. 224, Forgive)
When I read this appendix, I found myself very upset inside. I used to apologize to people a lot. And I used to regularly have people come to me and tell me what they thought was wrong with me. This happened throughout my life until I stopped apologizing all the time. I also used to repeatedly apologized to people for things I didn't do wrong so as to prevent offenses I was afraid might be taken.
After the last significant time that someone told me the words "everyone doesn't like you", I met with a Biblical counselor who helped me begin the process of sorting through the hurtful words of the woman who had come into my home to "speak the truth in love". I was only able to meet with the counselor twice, but I learned from her that the reason people have felt authorized to criticize me so much over the years is because I said I was sorry all the time. In saying "I'm sorry" preemptively, I was preventing the other person from taking any responsibility for what happened. I often was also often feeding other people's easily offended feelings--confirming that they had a reason to be offended when it wasn't actually reasonable. My apologies made it seem to others in my life that I needed to be corrected. Everything was my fault. So, they corrected me. Often harshly.
So, no. I don't think the best way to pursue a reconciliation conversation is to begin with saying everything you've done wrong and ask the other person to tell you everything they think you've done wrong. I think that is actually setting a horrible trap for yourself to fall into and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.
But, how would one go about pursuing reconciliation in a conversation in a healthy way? That's a good question to ponder. I'll post a few thoughts about that tomorrow...
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