A Book Review... about Forgive by Tim Keller

Over the past few months, I have read the book "Forgive: Why Should I, How Can I?" by Tim Keller. I rarely read books when they are released, but this one caught my attention and I wanted to read it.

For the most part, I really enjoyed the book. I found the text to be very helpful and it challenged me to look at my own heart and past experiences and responses. It also helped me articulate and identify some of the changes I have seen in our culture over the past decade that have concerned me. I would recommend this book--with two warnings.

The first warning is that this book doesn't give a lot of attention to addressing abusive relationships and forgiveness. I wish that had been more attention given to abuse and harmful relationships and what biblical responses to such relationships might be. That would have been helpful, I think. The second warning is my disagreement with Appendix D: Reconciliation Practices.

In Appendix D, Keller walks the reader through the steps of how to have a reconciliations conversation. I think the advice in this appendix is not wise. Here's the gist of the instructions: Go to the other person and tell them what you think you've done wrong. Then ask them to tell you everything they think you've done wrong in the situation and then repent of what you did that you admitted and also that they've told you you did wrong. Then--"if necessary" according to Tim Keller, address how the other person has wronged you. (pg. 224, Forgive)

When I read this appendix, I found myself very upset inside. I used to apologize to people a lot. And I used to regularly have people come to me and tell me what they thought was wrong with me. This happened throughout my life until I stopped apologizing all the time. I also used to repeatedly apologized to people for things I didn't do wrong so as to prevent offenses I was afraid might be taken.

After the last significant time that someone told me the words "everyone doesn't like you", I met with a Biblical counselor who helped me begin the process of sorting through the hurtful words of the woman who had come into my home to "speak the truth in love". I was only able to meet with the counselor twice, but I learned from her that the reason people have felt authorized to criticize me so much over the years is because I said I was sorry all the time. In saying "I'm sorry" preemptively, I was preventing the other person from taking any responsibility for what happened. I often was also often feeding other people's easily offended feelings--confirming that they had a reason to be offended when it wasn't actually reasonable. My apologies made it seem to others in my life that I needed to be corrected. Everything was my fault. So, they corrected me. Often harshly.

So, no. I don't think the best way to pursue a reconciliation conversation is to begin with saying everything you've done wrong and ask the other person to tell you everything they think you've done wrong. I think that is actually setting a horrible trap for yourself to fall into and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

But, how would one go about pursuing reconciliation in a conversation in a healthy way? That's a good question to ponder. I'll post a few thoughts about that tomorrow...

Missing Pieces

The other day I was discussing a book with my mom and explaining to her my concern about how "blame" is cast upon the child in the story. My mom commented about how deeply I read and consider what is written. Sometimes I wonder if I go overboard. Am I questioning too much? Am I overreacting? Why am I reacting this way? I come back to knowing that God wired me this way. But, I also reflect on how God has guided my path through the maze of books I've read over the past few years and what I've learned from the books themselves and from reading them. Recently, I read a book that troubled me. The book I finished reading was Guiltless Living by Ginger Hubbard. When I began reading it, I found myself puzzled and then disconcerted. And in the end, I cried. But, I cried for a different reason than one might suspect. I'd like to explain. I did not read Ms. Hubbard's previous book “ Don't Make Me Count to Three ”, but I knew from f...

listening or rather not listening to directions...

This week has been very eye opening. I am observing and noticing what I need to learn in order to be a better homeschooling mom and teacher and what my daughter needs to learn to be a good homeschooling student. My weakness when I was a teacher in a first grade classroom was not understanding how small concepts had to be broken down--and I lost my patience very quickly. This week, in particular today, I am seeing how detailed my directions need to be. I am going to be working very consciously and deliberately on this. On the other hand, I realized that my daughter does not listen! Wowsers! In a classroom, Autumn listens very well. She is a compliant child and very influenced by peer pressure and conformity. So, she listens along with everyone else and follows directions. But, at home, it's just Autumn and maybe Sami and Mommy. Very, very different! I had forgotten that most of kindergarten in the public schools is not focused on teaching students academic and learning co...

Writing A Homeschool Teacher Resume

I'm helping a friend who's switching jobs write a resume. She hasn't written one in years, so this is something new. I began working on her resume, but then stopped to write my own because I thought it might be helpful. Being a homeschool teacher may not seem to many like an occupation or career, but it is. I used the combined form of resume for myself. I began with the basic information, then moved on to strengths (the combined skills/experience part), education, Occupational Experience, then Related Experience, Certifications, Computer Skills, and mentioned at the end... References Available Upon Request. Sometimes homeschooling parents have to reenter the workplace because of family changes and needs. How could you express what you've been doing in a way that's acceptable for a resume? Well, here's my take on it... Teacher, Homeschool ...

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