Friday, October 29, 2010

Ups and Downs

My life seems to be a series of ups and downs.  Sometimes it's day to day and sometimes moment to moment depending on what's going on with my husband and kids.  Sometimes it's very easy to fall into those downs of the ones around you who you love.  It's hard to resist and you get worn down.  Over the past few years, I've become very jaded about pithy self-help books that talk about encouragement as if you can take a pill and feel better.  The weariness in my heart is deep.  Post partum depression doesn't simply end.  When you've had children back to back and not a night's sleep that wasn't interrupted in seven years, there is a point that one comes to where we are at the end of ourselves.  Somehow, we keep going.  God keeps us going even when we don't want to.

I wish I knew how to dispel the weariness in my soul.  I read a Christmas fiction book this afternoon and for a brief hour, heart breathed easily and freely forgetting all the cares of this world.  I rejoiced when the main character is proven innocent and her life is returned to her.  I rejoiced, too, as she extended grace to those who tried to assault her verbally.  If the character were real, it would be like rejoicing in the strength that God gave her.

Perhaps, that is the answer for me today.  That I must rejoice in the strength that God has given me, for all the times I do have patience (by God's grace) and don't get frustrated with my kids, and for God's physical sustenance of my body.  I am tempted to feel sorry for myself and feel self-pity.  I remember Joyce Meyer writing a book called Battlefield of the Mind several years ago.  I never read the book, but truly it is an apt title.  Our mind is a Battlefield--where we can win or lose.  And the consequences of losing are grave.  So, we must fight.  We must fight knowing that God loves us and preach the Gospel to ourselves moment by moment.  So, that is my answer as to how I can dispel the weariness, or perhaps it is the weariness that is a constant reminder that I need God and can't do it on my own.

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