Tuesday, March 29, 2011

The Point of Parenting

What is the point of parenting?  What is our goal?  Is it to have well behaved kids?  Is it to have kids we are proud of?  Is it so that we can live through them?  Are they the point?  Are they supposed to be the center of our lives?  


Here is what three books on my desk say:


Tim Kimmel says in his book Grace-Based Parenting that we are to equip our children well so that they can move into adulthood as vital members of the human race...(he) didn't say "as vital members of the Christian community." We need to have kids that can be sent off to the most hostile universities, toil in the greediest work environments...and...not be the least bit intimidated by their surroundings.  Furthermore, they need to be engaged in the lives of people in their culture, gracefully representing Christ's love inside these desperate surroundings." p. 9


Here's another author's way of putting what the goal of parenting is:  to raise great kids.  A great kid is "someone who loves God, who obeys God, and who glorifies God in what he does." (p.138)  That quote is from Be the Parent by Kendra Smiley and John Smiley


And one last thought to throw in the mix: "...on your way to win-win solutions that will make you and your child happier.  And when daily life flows more smoothly, it will be much easier for you and your child to see the beauty in each other.  In the end, isn't that the aim of all parents? --to love our children for who they are, and to develop relationships with them that are warm, supportive, and mutually beneficial."  p. 288 in Child Sense by Priscilla J. Dunstan


The first two are obviously Christian books and the last isn't. The last is written by the gal who wrote Baby Sense and identified five cries that children make.  Child Sense is a continuation of that book and is about identifying the primary sense (of the 5 senses) that dominate your child's view of the world.  There are two key things I noticed in that last quote.  The first is the idea that happiness is the point--the point is to see beauty in your child.  The second is that parenting is a mutually beneficial endeavor.   Ms. Dunstan essentially took God out of the picture.  In her book, parenting is about your child.  You as the parent are supposed to adjust your parenting to meet their needs of who they are so that they will be happier and more secure.  Ideally, you might think this isn't all bad.  Maybe not.  But, the examples in the book are essentially about convincing the child that they are in control and making decisions--not you.  The problem with that is that the child is the child, not the parent.  


A friend of mine asked me about this book two weeks ago and so I checked it out of the library and began to flip through it.  The reason people pick up this book, I believe, is because they want to be better parents.  They want to love their children better and they want to love them for who they are, not who they might want to try and make them to be.  Those are all good things.  But, I believe this book has the wrong answers.  


Is it fair of me to say something is wrong?  In this case, I think so because God isn't a part of the picture.  When we feel we can save ourselves, something is very wrong.  


Let me contrast Child Sense with what the Smileys share in Be the Parent
"The vision we had for each of our sons was to help them "sing the song God put inside of them."  That was the way we worded it.  We did not set out to help them sing "our song" or the song we determined they must sing. "Train a child in the way he should go." Proverbs 22:6 ...If our Creator can make each snowflake an original, I'm certain that creating every human being to be unique is in he realm of His ability." p. 26


I haven't read of that scripture being interpreted that way before, but in Jeremiah 29:11, we read "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to  prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
God is very much a part of the picture.  The Smileys believe parents should encourage children to be who God has created them to be, but they don't encourage parents to cater to their children or convince children to make the choices you want them to by persuading them they are in control.


On p. 30, they go on to say you "need to be proactive and have a plan to help your child develop into a responsible adult with well-placed priorities" and help them learn to "sing his song".  This is done by being a role model to them, being present, being an encourager, disciplining them in love, allowing failure and success, and praying for them.


When I started reading Child Sense, I got very upset and it grieved me deeply.  The ideas in this book sound good.  They sound like good things.  Who wouldn't want their child to be happier and feel secure?  But, we need to be careful about the answers that we turn to.  I think we also need to be careful about parenting approaches that put children in control or convince them that they are.  


I have just started Be the Parent by the Smileys, but I truly liked how they articulated what the goal of being a parent is.  In the first chapter, they encourage parents to take a five day fast from everything in the car.  No cell phones, movies, radio, reading, or anything else.  The goal is for parents to talk to their children and spend that time asking about who they are.  I spend all day with my children and I know that I still need that challenge.  


I was pretty good the first week about the computer three weeks ago.  I only got on twice a day and fasted on Sunday.  I have continued to fast on Sundays, but have been getting on a bit more during the day.  I have realized how much information I rely on from the internet.  I need to get away from that as much as I can.  Another thing I do is listen to the news in the morning.  I'm going to take the Smileys challenge, but I'm going to apply it to the radio in our home.  I am going to plan on listening to the news before the kids wake and while I cook dinner and then turn it off the rest of the day.  


I think the goal of knowing our children better and loving them better is a good one--but the vision and heart behind the goal is just as important if not more important.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Reading and Kids

My husband and I have always loved to read.  So, we looked forward to when our children would start reading.  Our oldest daughter began reading in kindergarten and is now in second grade.  She reads well above her grade level.  Since we homeschool, I have a lot of say in what she reads for school and for pleasure.  I didn't realize quite how much control and say I have until yesterday.

We had the chance to spend the day together as a family and late in the afternoon we went to Barnes and Noble.  I love to start conversations with strangers, so I began talking with another mom who was watching her daughter at the Thomas the Tank Engine train table where my son was also playing.  It turns out that she is a 5th grade teacher at a local public elementary school.  She has two daughters, 2 and 10.  Her 10 year old daughter is in a 4th grade gifted and talented class.  So, I began talking to her about what her daughter reads.

It turns out that every book her daughter has read for school this year has been about death.  The series of books that all her friends are reading (and that her mom won't let her read) is the 39 clues series.  There are six groups of family members who all desire to stop the brother sister pair (11 and 14 years old) from collecting all 39 clues and their grandmother's fortune.  Stopping means "death".  I hadn't heard of the series so it was interesting to investigate it.

I was struck as I realized how from a young age, children are feeding themselves on junk food rather than healthy, wonderful tasting morsels in the form of what books they read.  In our culture, there's been a lot of attention drawn to what our children put in their mouths, but what about what they put in their minds?

This mom told me that the public schools in her county have taken all "classics" out of the curriculum.  When I suggested e.l. Konigsburg to her daughter or Roald Dahl, she had no idea who they were.  Both are authors who are good writers, whose books are worth reading.  The girl ended up taking one of my suggestions out the door with her, Matilda by Roald Dahl.  After just reading part of it online, I regret making that recommendation.  Roald Dahl's books are quite clever in plot and language, but the beginning of that book isn't one I'd want my daughter to read.  I just remembered my brother reading it and enjoying it which is what prompted me to recommend it.

As I had this conversation, I realized how much say at this point I have about what my daughter reads since we homeschool and because we're very careful about what she reads.  I'm certain I'd feel the way I do even if she was attending public or private school.    My daughter reads the classics.  She's read every one of Dick King-Smith's books she can get her hands on.  She's read Little House in the Big Woods, "B" is for Betsy, Betsy Goes to School, Milly-Molly-Mandy, and the Littles books.  She's read other books from Veritas Press and Sonlight's reading lists for 2nd and 3rd grades.  She has also read #1-27 of the Magic Treehouse Series.  I was comfortable with that series until there was more magic in the stories.  I face a challenge with her that many parents face.  She has a high reading level for her age so she can read far beyond the books that are at her grade level of 2nd grade.  

Two of the books I've looked to for help are Honey for a Child's Heart and Honey for a Teen's Heart.  Gladys Hunt does a wonderful job discussing reading for both teens and children.  It was her book for teen's that made me realize how many adult themes became considered appropriate material for Young Adult fiction.  Which brings me to a new series that a friend just mentioned to me.  

One of my friends was at a PTA meeting when she overheard another mom talking about what her children are reading.  It's a series of books called The Hunger Games.  I looked it up on Amazon and read several reviews.  I previewed the first page and was struck that the writing is quite good.  It is interesting, though very pragmatic in its use of language.  The book is recommended for grades 7 and up by the School Library Journal.  One mother wrote a review and said that it is required reading for her daughter's 7th grade class.  Now, let me tell you what it is about.  Every year 2 childen (teenagers) are selected from each province to duel to the death for sport... hence the name the Hunger Games.  The mother wrote that it gave her daughter and her both nightmares.  Several people commented and scoffed at this statement.  

That is our culture.  

We have not only desensitized ourselves but our children are becoming desensitized.  Is that what we want?  My concern is both the writing and the material of such books.

A good friend of mine Kim explained her analogy of what you choose to read.  It's like walking into a candy store full of everything imaginable.  There's everything from smarties to the choicest of chocolate truffles.  You could gorge yourself on many smarties or savor a decadent truffle.  I fear that many children are gorging themselves on "smarties" fiction instead of learning what a "truffle" of words tastes like and acquiring a taste for good writing and stories.  

Many times I think I'm silly for contemplating what we, as a culture, and what we, as a family, and what I, as a woman, read.  But, I continually come back to the thought that for some reason God has prompted me to consider these things and voice them aloud.  

Which leads me to... the computer.
I have found this past week that I have gotten on more frequently than last week.  I still fasted on Sunday and had to resist 7 separate occasions that might have prompted it.  I realized this week that I chose to opt out of the yellow pages delivery which precluded me from finding phone numbers outside of the internet.  I was also asked in a survey how often I read books online.  

I don't.  I don't like to and I don't want to.  I know my struggles already of getting distracted on the computer and I don't want to give my mind anymore opportunities to spend more time on the computer.

Two new books came in the mail for me today and it is my intention to sit down and open one of them up tonight when the kids finally get to sleep.  The books on my table tonight are... Evangelical Feminism by Wayne Grudem, Big Truths for Young Hearts by Bruce Ware, God's Names by Sally Michael, and Loving Your Spouse by Kendra Smiley.  All portend that they will be good food for thought!


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Devotionals for Children

Last night, I began to ponder this review.  What makes this book I'm about to review different?  How can I explain why it's different than others I've reviewed before?  Were the others bad?  No.  Would I change my reviews about them?  Maybe, maybe not.  The more books I read, the more I'm challenged to think about what I read, what I read to my children, and what I let them read.  Over the past two years, I've read and reviewed several devotionals for children.  Among them a few stood out...

Big Thoughts for Little Children for the preschool set by Kenneth Taylor.  Simple, sweet illustrations.  Language and ideas very appropriate for the 2-4 year olds.

God's Mighty Acts in Salvation and God's Mighty Acts of Creation, both by Starr Meade.  Wonderful devotions for middle schoolers and parents.  I was impressed at how she simplified big theological concepts without watering them down.

But, I didn't find any devotionals I loved for Elementary Age children.  I do love the story Bible by Starr Meade for this age, Mighty Acts of God.  It explains very difficult concepts so well, including things like missions, predestination, and free will.  That book could very easily be used for nightly devotions.  But, if you're like me you may enjoy reading more than one book, which brings me to the book on my desk in front of me, God's Names, by Sally Michael.  This book would be perfect for 5-8 year olds.

Sally Michael is the cofounder of Children Desiring God, the children's branch of John Piper's Desiring God ministry.  A few years ago, I previewed their Sunday school materials and liked them, but couldn't afford the cost of them to use them in my home.  This book reminds me a lot of the lesson I previewed from that curriculum.  The devotionals are straightforward and simple, but not watered down.  The best way that I can describe how this devotional is different than the others that I reviewed last year is that it's primary purpose is not to entertain.

There is a prominent theory among youth ministries that I've been involved in over the years that you need to entertain kids before they'll listen to you.  You have to make it fun.  While it is nice to enjoy church and lessons about God, that isn't why we go.  We go because we love the Lord.  And the same could be said of what we want for our children.  I believe that we can engage our children's hearts and minds without entertaining them.  Entertainment is self focused, worship is God focused.  So, when we are choosing devotionals, are we choosing ones that will help children put their eyes on God or on their hearts and laughing bellies?  Forgive me if my words sound too blunt.  I think we can make what we say interesting to kids without it becoming entertainment.  This book does a great job of engaging with children's hearts and minds without entertaining them.

The title of the book is God's Names.  There is an introduction for parents, a first devotional lesson about names, 24 devotional lessons for 24 of God's names, and then a final concluding devotional lesson.  The hope of the authors is that reading this devotional as a family will help children to "see that God is who He says He is, and act in response to the truth."(p.12)  I've seen books written for adults about the names of God, but haven't actually read one.  I began to see as we read this book that the names of God are truly important because in this age of cynicism, our children need to know that they can trust that God is who He says He is!  Cynicism has permeated our culture deeply--the belief that we can see through things and that people aren't really who they say they are.  Our children will likely be questioned or attacked by cynics over and over in their journeys through life.  Even one popular pastor encourages his young congregation to question everything.  I just connected a moment ago, that that is one of the strategies of cynics--to question everything and not accept the answers people give as true.  Our children need to know what is true.  They need to know the Truth of God's Word and the truth of who God is and how He loves us.  This book will likely start many good discussions between you and your children.

One friend asked me recently what prompts me to like one book over another when it comes to Bible stories and devotionals.  First, I consider content and what the book says about God.  If I have any concerns, I go straight to the Bible and compare what the Bible says to what the book or Bible story says.  I've actually found many differences.  Second, I consider formatting.  Is this a book that is easy or hard for parents and/or children to read?  I've covered this first question.  As for the second question, I like the formatting of this book.  The font is large and easy to read.  The headings are clear.  The illustrations don't take away from the text, but add to it, though there is only one primary illustration for each lesson.  The formatting makes this a very easy and enjoyable book to read.

Please note that I received a complimentary copy of this book from P&R Publishing for review.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Encouragement for Parents of Strong Willed Children

Six years ago, I remember listening to an interview with Kendra Smiley on Focus on the Family.  I was driving towards downtown Augusta, Georgia and was thinking of my friend's teenage son and his strong will.  Little did I know at the time how strong willed my second and third children would be at that time--since they hadn't arrived yet!  I liked what she had to say and tucked what she shared in memory.  What I most remember about the interview was her belief that--every strong willed child is motivated by something, but they will pretend as if they don't care about it.  


For several years, I've remembered that she wrote a book titled Aaron's Way, but for some reason I never picked it up.  Recently, I realized that I was at a point of exhaustion with my two strong willed children.  My oldest has been saying to me, "Mommy, I just want to make your life easier."  What a sweetie.  But, what I needed help with she couldn't help me with.  I needed help with my parenting!


Last week, a book arrived in the mail that I immediately opened up.  It was titled the Journey of a Strong Willed Child by... Kendra Smiley with Dr. Aaron Smiley (her son) and John Smiley (the resident Dad).  I had been looking forward to the arrival of this book for obvious reasons (my burnout and frustration).  I was not disappointed!  In fact, I was so blessed by this book!
In the introduction, Ms. Smiley stated all of the things that I have come to believe about strong willed children (and adults).  These things include the reality that strong willed children do not want to be controlled by others.  This chapter didn't include anything I hadn't heard or read before, but her tone is hopeful--something that all parents of strong willed children need to be and that we often struggle to be!  After the introduction, the book is basically broken down into age groups (0 to 5, elementary, junior high, and then high school).  As I began the second chapter about children 0 to 5, I read her description strong willed children.  Basically, if you give a strong willed child a line, tell them not to cross it, and explain the consequences if they do (and they know you will follow through), then they will cross that line many times after reviewing the consequences.  At the end of the chapter is a note from Aaron, her son, and her husband.  Both perspectives are eye opening!  Aaron makes some very insightful observations, as does John.  Dads will especially enjoy these notes, I think.


There is an old proverb that it is better to teach a person how to fish so that they might eat for a lifetime, rather than giving them a fish that will only feed them for one meal.  In What I began to see in this book as I read through the second chapter is that this book is a framework for how to parent strong willed children, but it is not a formula.  It is not going to give you a quick fix.  It will help you see your child, or in my case children, more accurately.  It will help you realize that your child is not targeting you, but rather testing you.  Testing you over and over and over....  I have heard this in my daughter's voice.  She knows that she causes her dad and me pain over her refusal to eat dinner and she doesn't relish it, but she often doesn't want to (and won't) eat what's put before her either.  I think she is testing me and my husband.  She wants control over what she eats and when she eats it.  We are pretty structured about meals and I generally make very kid friendly meals, but they aren't her choice--so she's not in control of choosing what's going to be on her plate.


I felt that as I read this book that the train of my mind was put back on track.  There are things that I've believed, but had begun to doubt.  I didn't believe that my daughter was targeting me with her behavior, but when I would get upset I'd begun to take things personally.  Maybe you're in that place, too.  When we remind ourselves that they are testing us, we are able to more easily not take their actions personally and be unemotional about disciplining our children.  It's not about us.  It's about them.  Parenting strong willed children is a 24/7 job. They are high maintenance and once we realize they always will be, we can gear up and not expect things to be easier!  As Ms. Smiley says in one of the chapters, it is not a sprint, but a marathon.


I can't even begin to explain all of the pieces that this book has helped me put together, but I'll try by applying them to my situation...
1) My daughter and son need me to discipline them.  Discipline is not the opposite of love.  They need me not to be swayed by their cries for sympathy (I get caught by this with my son.)
2) My daughter and son need me to not discipline in anger.  I need to remember that no one is the perfect parent and how my children act is not about "me".  It is about "them".  I need to love them well and help them learn to develop self control.
3) I need to be aware of the example my actions set for the other strong willed child when I discipline one.
4) Parenting my children is not a job I can check in and out of.  It is a 24/7 job.  I need to gear up and not expect it to be easy!
5) The reason for my desire for my children would learn to obey me is 1) that they might learn to choose God over their rebellious spirits (I was an adult before I realized this).  I also want them to obey so that it might be easier for them to choose to obey God.  I want my children to love the Lord and walk with Him.  It is not a guarantee that they will, but if they learn to submit to my husband and I as their parents, they will also hopefully find it easier to follow directions from other adults.
6) I need to show my children every day that I love them every day and that it is not a burden to parent them.
7) I need to help my children rethink how they see things.  In the past week, this has dramatically changed what I say to my daughter and son.  Instead of simply saying "No." or telling them what to do, I have begun to give a reason--not because I have to explain or justify my actions, but because they need to learn how to understand what's going on.  They still have to do what I've instructed them to do.  
8)  Strong willed Children are black and white and are goal oriented.  I need to set goals for my children in what they do and I need to have my own goals for them which I develop by watching and observing who they are and what they love.


I have said "I" in all of these sentences and I am not in this alone.  My husband is in this parenting boat with me, but he's been very busy this week and we will discuss all of this when his work slows down.  Because my husband isn't able to tackle all of this with me right now, he and my children need me to step up to the plate and do it!  I've heard moms say before "I just can't do it--I don't have any support."  You may not have support right now because your husband has checked out, is deployed, travels frequently, works long hours, or is struggling.  Whatever the reason--I don't know that it matters.  Your children need you just as mine need me.  My husband loves me and I know this and he will get in this boat with me when this time for him has passed.  Of this, I am certain.  But, until then, I need to put all of these things I've learned into action.  My family needs me to.  I had no idea when I began reading this book, what a deep drink of water it would be for me.  


There are two things that I want to specifically mention before I wrap up this review.
1) In the 0 to 5 chapter, Ms. Smiley does recommend spanking as one of the ways to discipline young children, but she doesn't not say it is a requirement or that you must do this.  I know some books take that stand and she does not.  Even if you do not believe in spanking children or spank your children, I would encourage you to read this book.  That is only one small part of one chapter in this book.
2) This book is for parents who desire their children to learn to obey them and develop self discipline.  The desire for them to obey us as parents is rooted in many reasons:  keeping our children safe from danger, so that they might "respect others and their property", develop self discipline, and so that they might be "more likely to choose to obey God" (from pg. 61-62).  Self discipline and self control is very difficult for strong willed children.  It is on the opposite end of the spectrum from a book that I reviewed several years ago on Amazon titled You Can't Make Me, But I Can Be Persuaded.  My review is the only 1 star review for this book.  My review expresses my concerns well.   If you disagree with my concerns in that review, then you will likely not enjoy the Smileys' book.  Book Review: http://www.amazon.com/You-Cant-Make-Persuaded-Strong-Willed/product-reviews/1578561930/ref=cm_cr_dp_hist_1?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&filterBy=addOneStar  


I am thankful that the Smileys wrote this book.  I am thankful that I am growing in my parenting.  I am thankful that my heart and mind no longer feel exhausted and discouraged by my two strong willed children!  But, most of all, I am thankful for the Lord's gracious mercy to me amidst all of my struggles and strong willed nature.  Tears fell from my eyes the other morning when I finished reading this book, because I was reminded that the Lord loves me and that He knew just what I needed to hear this week.


Please note that I received a complimentary copy of this book for review from Moody Publishing

Monday, March 21, 2011

Loving Strong Willed Children

I have three children and a dog.  I am certain that 2 of my 3 are strong willed.  I am highly suspicious that our Golden Retriever is as well or at least she has willful tendencies.  I am strong willed and my husband is strong willed, so I am fully aware that my children completely come by this trait, or should I say strength ;) naturally.  


Even though I am strong willed, I have been struggling the past few months with my younger two children.  More often than not I have found myself simply saying "No", yelling, and not being an effective parent.  I have been concerned at what I've seen in myself, but felt exhausted.  


I'm still tired, but not exhausted and burned out like I was last week.  I feel like God has really helped me reset my thinking about my children and how I see my job as their mom.  Last Thursday, I started reading a book titled The Journey of a Strong Willed Child by Kendra Smiley.  On the first page, I only underlined one sentence.  On the next, five...and on the next, ten.  With each page I read, I felt like the piece of what I'd been observing in my children were finally finding a way to fit together in my brain.


I'm going to be writing a thorough review of the book tomorrow and I look forward to writing about all of the pieces that this book has helped me fit together!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Wasting Time

I began writing another entry when I was struck that what it was really about was wasting time, which made me reflect back on my past few days.  


Yesterday, I was sitting with another mom outside my daughter's ballet class talking about homeschooling and commitments.  I have to admit this--at that moment I was having a great day and felt such peace about God helping me learn to cut things out and simplify.  My husband's schedule has been crazy lately and instead of packing it fully like I have in the past, I chose to simplify and make our lives less stressful rather than more.


The beginning of her conversation began with her asking me how I seemed so calm and how I was able to juggle 3 young kids.  I told her very humbly that I am in a good place right now.  I was enjoying that moment in my life and the peace that God has given me amidst my husband's busy life.  But, I said that very humbly as I explained to her that just the day before we'd gone on a field trip to Longwood Gardens.  On the way home, we went for a free 45 minute tour of the Herr's Potato Chip factory (which was wonderful).  We also needed to go buy grain.    That was where it all started to break down.  My younger two started getting a little more disobedient at the Amish store.  Then, unfortunately, I made the choice (due to rising gas prices) to squeeze in one more errand.  We made (what I thought was only going to be a half hour detour) to a store I'd been looking forward to visiting.  It was a debacle!  My choice...  my poor choice led to 1 hour and 45 minutes of struggle.  We only spent 20 disappointing minutes in the store, where I didn't find anything I was looking for, and then headed for home.  As I drove home on Wednesday, I knew what I'd done wrong.  My trip was fruitless.  I had wasted time and stressed my kids (and myself!) out.


What should I have done?  Not made that last errand.  The visit to the Amish store wasn't great, but it was doable.  The last errand, though, was over the top.  


I don't think I'm alone in this.  We look at our days and think to ourselves either "I can fit that in." or "I need to do this today." (when it's really a want, not a need) or "It will only take a minute."


Last week, I felt I needed to try and say "no" to myself more and "yes" to my family.  I've done pretty well with cutting back on my computer time.  But, I didn't do so well on Wednesday when I decided to make that one last errand.  I know life is a work in progress.  Sometimes we make the right choices and sometimes we don't.


When we pursue something that is more than we can handle, it is a blessing when God says simply "no".  Sometimes that "no" looks like rejection.  Sometimes it is simply a door that never opens.  


I was just talking with a friend on the phone about our time.  She reminded me of something she deeply appreciates about Wendell Berry's writings.  She explained to me that he reminds her that she has a choice--she has a choice about what she is going to do.  She isn't required to send an email.  She can choose to send a written letter instead.  I can choose to grow a garden and spend time outside each day.  Or I can choose to stay inside and do my vegetable picking at the store.  Both are viable options.  But, one involves more life.  One is more active.  One will give me more satisfaction.  The other will not.  


Sometimes it's hard seeing ahead of time what is going to be a waste of our time.  I think that making a checklist for our day can be helpful to setting priorities.  Something else that I really need to do is to allow more time for an activity--rather than less when I am planning out our day.  Invariably, I am rushing the kids out the door as we try to make it to an activity "just in time" and not be late.  


Today, I probably shouldn't have spent my afternoon the way I did.  I have spent far too long on this computer and on the internet.  So, it is time for me to get off.  

Wasting Time

I began writing another entry when I was struck that what it was really about was wasting time.  When we pursue something that is more than we can handle, it is a blessing when God says simply "no".  Sometimes that "no" looks like rejection.  Sometimes it is simply a door that never opens.  


Yesterday, I was sitting with another mom outside my daughter's ballet class talking about homeschooling and commitments.  I have to admit this--at that moment I was having a great day and felt such peace about God helping me learn to cut things out and simplify.  My husband's schedule has been crazy lately and instead of packing it fully like I have in the past, I chose to simplify and make our lives less stressful rather than more.


The beginning of her conversation began with her asking me how I seemed so calm and how I was able to juggle 3 young kids.  I told her very humbly that I am in a good place right now.  I was enjoying that moment in my life and the peace that God has given me amidst my husband's busy life.  But, I said that very humbly as I explained to her that just the day before we'd gone on a field trip to Longwood Gardens.  On the way home, we went for a free 45 minute tour of the Herr's Potato Chip factory (which was wonderful).  We also needed to go buy grain.    That was where it all started to break down.  My younger two started getting a little more disobedient at the Amish store.  Then, unfortunately, I made the choice (due to rising gas prices) to squeeze in one more errand.  We made (what I thought was only going to be a half hour detour) to a store I'd been looking forward to visiting.  It was a debacle!  My choice...  my poor choice led to 1 hour and 45 minutes of struggle.  We only spent 20 disappointing minutes in the store, where I didn't find anything I was looking for, and then headed for home.  As I drove home on Wednesday, I knew what I'd done wrong.  My trip was fruitless.  I had wasted time and stressed my kids (and myself!) out.


What should I have done?  Not made that last errand.  The visit to the Amish store wasn't great, but it was doable.  The last errand, though, was over the top.  


I don't think I'm alone in this.  We look at our days and think to ourselves either "I can fit that in." or "I need to do this today." (when it's really a want, not a need) or "It will only take a minute."


Last week, I felt I needed to try and say "no" to myself more and "yes" to my family.  I've done pretty well with cutting back on my computer time.  But, I didn't do so well on Wednesday when I decided to make that one last errand.  I know life is a work in progress.  Sometimes we make the right choices and sometimes we don't.


I was just talking with a friend on the phone about our time.  She reminded me of something she deeply appreciates about Wendell Berry's writings.  She explained to me that he reminds her that she has a choice--she has a choice about what she is going to do.  She isn't required to send an email.  She can choose to send a written letter instead.  I can choose to grow a garden and spend time outside each day.  Or I can choose to stay inside and do my vegetable picking at the store.  Both are viable options.  But, one involves more life.  One is more active.  One will give me more satisfaction.  The other will not.  


Sometimes it's hard seeing ahead of time what is going to be a waste of our time.  I think that making a checklist for our day can be helpful to setting priorities.  Something else that I really need to do is to allow more time for an activity--rather than less when I am planning out our day.  Invariably, I am rushing the kids out the door as we try to make it to an activity "just in time" and not be late.  


Today, I probably shouldn't have spent my afternoon the way I did.  I have spent far too long on this computer and on the internet.  So, it is time for me to get off.  

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Children's Devotionals

Recently, I realized that I didn't find any devotionals for parents to read with their elementary age children last year that I just loved.  I found two for middle schoolers that I loved and one for preschoolers, but none for the ages of my girls.  I recently picked one up off my shelf that I had bought used several years ago by Kenneth Taylor and was disappointed in the first two entries so I set it down.  I do love his devotional for preschoolers, Big Thoughts for Little People, though.  So, I thought I would begin to look for devotionals to read with my girls as they grow older.

I found one.
Later this week, I'm going to post a review of God's Names by Sally Michaels.  Ms. Michaels is the director, I believe, of Children Desiring God ministry.  This is the arm of John Piper's ministry for children.  My girls and I have been reading it and I have been surprised and pleased with how much I have enjoyed it.

Another is on its way to me that I'll be reviewing in a few weeks...
Big Truths for Young Hearts by Bruce Ware
I am looking forward to reading it as well and seeing what it is like!  Whereas God's Names focus on the names of God and what that means for what we believe and know about God, Big Truths covers the basics of the faith.

Sometimes Old Books are the Best Books

Though I've read a lot of books over the past two years (probably more than I'd read in the previous 10 years), some of my favorites are still the old ones.  One of them came to my mind this morning, and I think I'm going to go read it again.  Here are a few that have really encouraged me...



Great Women Authors: Their Lives and Their Literature by Betty Carlson and Jane Stuart Smith

This book is a collection of short biographies of women writers.  This was one of the first books that made me realize how interesting biographies can be.  The chapters are short and easy to read.  The two women who wrote the book are/were residents at l'Abri fellowship.  They are thinkers, but this book isn't intellectual.  I thought it was well written when I read it.  You can see a preview of it on Amazon if you're interested.

I have realized over the years that many books sit on my shelf and I never pick them up again.  This is a book that I've actually picked up many times and gone back over...
Seduction of the Lesser Gods by Leslie Williams
She defined idolatry in a way that I hadn't read before.  The lesser Gods are the good things like love and friendship and family that can become idols for us when we give them more of our time and energy than God--we put them before God and make them idols.  This book was very convicting and helpful to me.

A third book is one that I read in the first few months I got married. 
Feminism:  Mystique or Mistake by Diane Passno 
I was very much an evangelical feminist when I got married.  Then, God convicted me and helped me see what the Bible really says about submission and what He says about marriage in His Word.  This book is one that God used to help me see that.  Diane Passno speaks plainly and bluntly, but she's forthright and honest.  And, though I wasn't a mother at the time, I read the final chapter and have reminded myself of her advice many a time.  Basically, that last chapter is about stay at home moms vs. working moms and how each is jealous of the other for different reasons.  Instead, we need to show each other grace.

A final out of print book is one that love because it has been just the right thing for me and my children.
(I couldn't find an image of it to post.)
The Bible Illustrated for Little Children by Ella Lindvall
Ms. Lindvall's Read Aloud Bible Story books (4 volumes) are the best Bible storybooks I've found for 2-4 year olds.  And now my 5 year old feels such an accomplishment when she reads the stories aloud to me.  But, back to this book.  It is really quite a tiny book.  It is about the size of a photograph.  But, each entry is two pages with 3 questions afterwards.  I have found the stories to be very biblical and it has been wonderful for my children when they are 3, 4, and 5.  It has helped them with beginning reading comprehension.  They listen to the short story (one long paragraph) and then I ask them the questions.  I think part of the reason I love this book so much is because it was one of the books that the Lord has  brought into my path that was exactly what my children needed at the time.  I love how God does that with everything in our lives--including books.

Each of these books has encouraged me in a different way.  I am sad that they are out of print, but thankful for the used book market where we can still find copies of books.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Technology and Our lives

There are some things I know about myself.  One is that I often struggle with self discipline.  There are areas where I am disciplined and there are others where I am not.  I want freedom--or what I think is the freedom to do what I want.  But, often that isn't true freedom.


"Man's perennial efforts to take himself in hand, however he attempts it, lead to the greatest bondage in which man misses what he was meant to be.  Man's true freedom does not consist of the unfettered power to direct his life, either in a political or in a Stoic sense.  It lies in life with God, lived as it was originally intended by God for man.  He only gains this as he denies himself.  Paradoxically, the free man does not belong to himself.  He belongs to him who has set him free."  J. Blunck


Last year, I read the book Distracted by Maggie Jackson.  I read about her ideas about the damage media is doing to our lives and minds.  Our attention spans are decreasing as our multi- tasking increases.  It is more and more difficult to find a sense of peace while the internet is constantly buzzing.  And the artificial world of the world wide web is now seen as real.  What was once artificial... is now considered real and true.  I read the warnings in the book.  I knew what the book was cautioning me about.  I felt the caution and I heeded it--a little.  I fasted for a short time from the internet and then went back to what I'd done before.  


God let me go down that path again.  I have felt this growing disconnect from my family.  I have lost some of my desire to do things and my desire to "escape" and relax has grown some.  I knew I was escaping to the computer, but I did it anyways.  So, I am resolving to change this--because it is the best thing for me, and for my family.  Now, this wasn't visible to anyone but me.  I haven't constantly been on the computer.  I actually don't text.  I don't blog every day.  But, what I realized was that I was losing, or rather using, a few minutes here and a few minutes there.  Over the course of the day, those minutes add up.


Romans 7
14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
 21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!


So, I am resolving to do this:
Sundays will be a day of rest:  A day of rest from the computer
During the week, I can get on in the morning and in the afternoon if the kids have room time.  But, I cannot check Facebook and email other than those 2 times.


I do not want to lose something I have like the frog in hot water loses his life.  The best way I can describe what I think media can do to us is like the frog who is placed in water.  As the water is heated up little by little, the frog doesn't notice.  It doesn't notice---until it is too late and the water is boiling and the frog is dead.


Every day we make choices.  We make them moment by moment.  I do not want to sound fatalistic, but I think that our choices matter--to us and to the ones we love.  We can choose to check facebook and lose 3 minutes or we can choose to sit down and listen when our child wants to tell us the story she or he just made up.  We can choose to search the internet for music to listen to or we can listen to what we have and not feed our desire to purchase something else.  


Speaking of which, it's time for me to get off the computer, so I need to go.  Let me know if you decide to join me in this journey...

Friday, March 11, 2011

Rejection

I posted this on facebook tonight:
I think nonverbal rejection is worse than verbal rejection. At least you can say something and explain yourself in response when it's verbal.


One of the hardest things for me is to not take things personally.  Rejection hurts me deeply.  With everything there are both strengths and weaknesses. 


I have such a desire to connect with people. I will pursue them over and and over.  I know that this is the way that God made me.  I have learned over the years to try and pick up on the cues when someone does not want my friendship.  
I feel like I learned how to be a friend as a teenager and even as an adult, rather than when I was a child like most people.


I grew up without friends for the most part.  I was blessed to get to know a group of girls Spring Semester of my freshman year in high school.  I became best friends with my friend Kim, who I am still friends with today.  She has taught me so much about what it means to be a friend over the years.  


As hard as I try, though, sometimes I still miss the cues.


For the past five years, I've tried to become friends with one of my neighbors.  She has been friendly to me and I thought, welcoming.  But, she has never been the one to start conversations with me.  I realize that now. 


I realized yesterday because of a sign on her door that I'm not supposed to knock on her door or ring her doorbell.  Because of the sign on her door, I realized that she doesn't want to be my friend.  I realized it without her saying a word to me.  


I had gone to her door out of kindness and I walked away hurt.  There are times in our lives when the kindness we extend to others will not be received.


I read in one of Cynthia Heald's Bible studies that a gift is not a gift until it is accepted and received.  The intention is not the same.  It is not a gift until it is  received.  When we receive a gift that someone gives us--whether it is of friendship, or a tangible thing, we allow the other person to become a giver.  When we reject and do not accept a gift, we reject what the other person has to offer--and in a way we reject them.  


But, there are many times when we want to give a gift and the person we want to give it to is unwilling or unable to receive it.  What then?  How do we feel?  How do we cope with the rejection?


There were several scriptures that came to my mind (all are from the NIV).  


The first was Matthew 10:14 "If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet."


Genesis 50:20 "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.


I believe that my neighbor intends me no harm, but the rejection has hurt and caused its own harm and hurt to my heart.


Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."


Luke 6:27-28 "But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." 


How are we to treat people who don't want to be our friends? ...who reject you?


The conclusion I came to last night is that we are to love them, but that doesn't mean that I should keep pursuing my neighbor's friendship.  I need to respect her and respect that she doesn't want to be my friend.  That is the loving thing to do.   But, as my husband said, I need to shake the dust off my feet so that I can walk up to the next house.  I need to make sure that my feet don't get stuck in the mud focusing on that rejection or to continue to pursue a friendship that isn't wanted, because if they get stuck in the mud they will be weighted down and burdened.  That burden could keep me from getting to where God wants me to go.  


If God lays it on my heart again to pursue her friendship someday, I will be obedient.  But, I am trusting that this is not what I am to do now.  There are other things on my plate to do...

Monday, March 7, 2011

The Undistracted Widow

When I read the title of this book, The Undistracted Widow, by Carol Cornish, I assumed I thought what it meant and then I spoke with my daughter's piano teacher.  She shared with me a story which gave me more insight.  Her mother had been a widow for many years.  After 15 years, she and her brother spoke to her mother about starting to live again.  When her husband died, her mother stayed focused on the past rather than living in the present.  She was distracted, so to speak.  

I wanted to read this book because someone I care about deeply became a widow a few years ago.  I don't always know what to say or do and often I feel as if I don't understand her response to me.  But, I want to love her better.  I hoped that reading this book would give me some insight. 

I read through the book and reached one of the final chapters which is written for family and friends of a newly widowed woman or man.  In the chapter is a chart of what to say and what not to say.  This chapter was quite helpful to me--because many of the times when I would be prone to say something, the author's advice was to simply say nothing.  As I found myself at the end of the book, I realized that I didn't know if I could say this was an especially good book or not about widowhood.  I thought it had some sound and biblical advice.  I thought it would be encouraging to a widow, but I didn't know for certain because I am not a widow.  I am learning that it is wise not to speak into someone else's shoes if I haven't been there myself.  So, I asked my daughter's piano teacher, who has been a widow herself for 8 years, if she would read the book and share with me what she thought of it.

Last Friday morning, we had a few minutes to talk about it.  She said that it was encouraging and refreshing to her.  She identified with the first few chapters and she explained to me that these are the things you aren't sure how to talk to anyone about when you become a widow.  For her, reading the book reinforced what she has learned over the past few years.  I asked her if it would be a good read for someone who had been widowed a short time.  She felt very certainly that it would.  As she explained to me, life completely changes when you become a widow.  You are no longer two, but one.  You have lost part of yourself when your spouse passes away.  You have to find a way to get up and focus on God--to focus on what He has for you to do that day.  You have to become--undistracted and focused on the Lord, not your circumstances. 

My pastor cautioned our church a few weeks ago about just handing people books because we think they will help them.  In writing this review, I am remembering that advice.  I would recommend this book to you if you are a widow.  My hope is that this book will encourage you.  You many not find that all of her advice fits your situation (and that is okay), but I think that is true of all books.  We are to sift through and find the nuggets of encouragement that God has for us through the words of others.  If you feel that you would like to give this book to someone, I would encourage you to pray about it and give it to the person if you feel that it is what the Lord would have you do. 
That is what I am going to do.  I am going to pray about giving it to my friend and ask if she is interested in reading it before I send it her way.

Please note that I received a complimentary copy of this book from Crossway Publishing for review.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Cynicism and Marketing

My husband loves to listen to Mars Hill Audio.  It is a sociological and cultural journal that focuses on the challenges Christians face in our culture.  A few years ago, there was an episode in which Dick Keyes was interviewed about a book that he wrote titled, Seeing Through Cynicism.  I hadn't realized the deep struggle that I had begun to face because cynicism had entered my mind and heart.  I saw it in others in my life, but not in my own.  As I read the book, I felt convicted about the state of my own heart and began to see what I needed to tackle and how I needed to fight the creeping vine of cynicism.


You can hear one of the talks here:
http://www.marshillaudio.org/resources/mp3/MHAJ-83-Keyes.mp3
This talk begins talking about how cynicism creeps in through marketing.  Keyes goes on to later address how we should address cynicism.

If you're interested in listening to that episode of the journal, http://www.marshillaudio.org/resources/volume_contents.asp?segmentVolumeID=083
You can purchase it here.

My first blog was started because of this book and my reaction to it.  I never continued on with it, but I have left up my first posts here:  http://recoveringfromcynicism.blogspot.com/

If you get a chance to listen to the talk, I hope it will encourage you as it did me!