Friendship, Rejection, Fiction, and Life

One thing I hate is getting rejected.  I really hate it.  Really, really hate it.  My husband actually says that when I fear rejection or think it's going to happen, I start to act like a porcupine.  I bristle and start walking in the other direction.

When people reject me, my inward response is to tell myself to walk away.  Walk away FAST.  In the other direction.

But, there's another part of me.  This super, duper strong willed part that won't give up.  It's that part of me that doesn't want people to think things of me that aren't true.  I don't want to be criticized for things I've done right, but that they think I've done wrong!  It's a horrible feeling to realize that sometimes you won't be able to help someone understand that you didn't do anything wrong.  Does that mean they're wrong?  Why does it have to be me to take the criticism that I don't deserve?

That strong will also makes me persist even when I know people don't want to hear what I have to say.  Over the years, I've come to do this less and less, but I have to admit that I still do it sometimes.

My husband says that I have to love people the way they are and not expect people to love me the way I am.  That doesn't always feel very good.

Does that mean that I'm not loveable the way I am?  My first serious boyfriend told me that when he broke up with me.  It helped two years later to learn that he said the exact same thing to three other girls after me.  "I tried to fall in love with you, but I just couldn't..."  Yuk!  What a horrible thing to say to someone.

I'm trying to face this fear and get over it.  At the end of the day, I'm just me.  Imperfect me.  I try to love people well.  But, I do that imperfectly because I'm a sinner like everyone else.

Instead of saying "I tried this great new curry recipe, would you like a copy of the recipe?"  I accidentally say "I should give you this curry recipe that I tried this week.  It was great."  A lot of people wouldn't be bothered by the second statement, but I know I rub some people the wrong way when I say it that way.  Why do I do that?!  I know why, actually.  I just get so excited about sharing something I've tried and learned that I get carried away and don't think to say it the other way.  

We all have lots that we can learn from each other, but we also have pride.  Bearing with one another in love is such a hard thing to do.  It think it's hard for everyone--including me.  John Piper describes it as bearing with one another in our strangeness... not getting bothered by what seems strange to us because it's not the way we think or do things.

But, my husband has been challenging me to think about what friendship is really supposed to be.  As Christians, we aren't called to love some people and not others.  We are called to love all....even when they reject us.

Wasn't Christ rejected?  Yet, He continued to love.  He continued to reach out.  He persisted.  The Word tells us to love our neighbors as ourselves (Luke 14:27) and also to love our enemies.

The Word also says:
English Standard Version (©2001)
“Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you."  

So, we try and reach out.  We try again.  We pray.  We try not to feel hurt and remember that God loves us.  We seek to Love God and Love People (the #1 rule in my house).  

Something happened this week in my world.  Something that surprised me.  Miscommunication, lines crossed.  But, all of it doesn't directly involve me.  As I sit here this morning, my heart hurts because I think that what happened might have started with one person not wanting to be rejected.  Watching from the outside always makes me reflect.  In this case, it is making me realize that I have to be careful about how I react to my own fears of rejection.  Do I let them overtake me?  Am I putting on the full armor of God?  Fear is not of God.  Fear is of Satan.  Satan wants us to be afraid.  God, on the other hand, tells us that if rejection does happen that he will take us through it.  (Psalm 23)

The children's song is very wise when it says these words:  

Jesus loves me! This I know,

For the Bible tells me so,

Little ones to Him belong,
They are weak but He is strong.
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me! He who died,
Heaven's gate to open wide;
He will wash away my sin,
Let His little child come in.
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me! loves me still,
When I'm very weak and ill;
From His shining throne on high,
Comes to watch me where I lie.
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me! He will stay,
Close beside me all the way;
He's prepared a home for me,
And some day His face I'll see.
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.

Despite any rejection here during this life that we experience, we are assured that Jesus loves us.  We are loved and loveable.  We will experience rejection, but we cannot let it overtake us.  I cannot let it overtake me.  We need to put on the full armor of God each morning.  I need to put on the full armor of God each morning and love people again and again.

Rejection

I posted this on facebook tonight:
I think nonverbal rejection is worse than verbal rejection. At least you can say something and explain yourself in response when it's verbal.


One of the hardest things for me is to not take things personally.  Rejection hurts me deeply.  With everything there are both strengths and weaknesses. 


I have such a desire to connect with people. I will pursue them over and and over.  I know that this is the way that God made me.  I have learned over the years to try and pick up on the cues when someone does not want my friendship.  
I feel like I learned how to be a friend as a teenager and even as an adult, rather than when I was a child like most people.


I grew up without friends for the most part.  I was blessed to get to know a group of girls Spring Semester of my freshman year in high school.  I became best friends with my friend Kim, who I am still friends with today.  She has taught me so much about what it means to be a friend over the years.  


As hard as I try, though, sometimes I still miss the cues.


For the past five years, I've tried to become friends with one of my neighbors.  She has been friendly to me and I thought, welcoming.  But, she has never been the one to start conversations with me.  I realize that now. 


I realized yesterday because of a sign on her door that I'm not supposed to knock on her door or ring her doorbell.  Because of the sign on her door, I realized that she doesn't want to be my friend.  I realized it without her saying a word to me.  


I had gone to her door out of kindness and I walked away hurt.  There are times in our lives when the kindness we extend to others will not be received.


I read in one of Cynthia Heald's Bible studies that a gift is not a gift until it is accepted and received.  The intention is not the same.  It is not a gift until it is  received.  When we receive a gift that someone gives us--whether it is of friendship, or a tangible thing, we allow the other person to become a giver.  When we reject and do not accept a gift, we reject what the other person has to offer--and in a way we reject them.  


But, there are many times when we want to give a gift and the person we want to give it to is unwilling or unable to receive it.  What then?  How do we feel?  How do we cope with the rejection?


There were several scriptures that came to my mind (all are from the NIV).  


The first was Matthew 10:14 "If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet."


Genesis 50:20 "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.


I believe that my neighbor intends me no harm, but the rejection has hurt and caused its own harm and hurt to my heart.


Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."


Luke 6:27-28 "But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you." 


How are we to treat people who don't want to be our friends? ...who reject you?


The conclusion I came to last night is that we are to love them, but that doesn't mean that I should keep pursuing my neighbor's friendship.  I need to respect her and respect that she doesn't want to be my friend.  That is the loving thing to do.   But, as my husband said, I need to shake the dust off my feet so that I can walk up to the next house.  I need to make sure that my feet don't get stuck in the mud focusing on that rejection or to continue to pursue a friendship that isn't wanted, because if they get stuck in the mud they will be weighted down and burdened.  That burden could keep me from getting to where God wants me to go.  


If God lays it on my heart again to pursue her friendship someday, I will be obedient.  But, I am trusting that this is not what I am to do now.  There are other things on my plate to do...

Rejection

Last night I had a horrible dream, but the crux of it was that I was rejected and at the end I stood up to the person and said no, that's not okay and stood up for myself. Then, this morning a friend emailed a quote in reply to a quote I'd sent her that basically said (in my words)-- Don't hold onto something that you can't have in the first place. It was interesting to put the two together.

I think there have been times when I try to hold onto something or hold onto a relationship that isn't desired by the other party--essentially, I was trying to hold onto something that I couldn't have to begin with.

When we hear that message that we are unloveable from others, we try to continually fight that lie by proving to ourselves that we won't lose other relationships. I say we, though I really mean me. I don't know if you're in that same boat with me. But, I've done this. And that's what the dream was about last night. A few years before I met my husband, I had a boyfriend who told me he'd tried and tried to love me but just couldn't make himself. Ewww! Yuck! Talk about horrible things someone can tell you. Sadly, that wasn't the first time someone had told me they didn't want to be around me. It had happened before in high school and junior high (we all know how cruel junior high girls can be!). But, it happened after college too with friends and because of it I am often surprised when people genuinely want to be my friend and be around me.

There have been many times when I wondered why God allow me to go through all of that--to lose my grandma, my dad, friends, a boyfriend--all out of rejection. Yet, amidst the pain, there's been joy. I lost my dad and grandma because I loved the Lord--I married the man that God had for me and in the process had to give up their approval of me. My experiences with friends taught me to remember people who aren't included and to love people well. My experience with that boyfriend, well, it helps me appreciate my husband every time I'm reminded of that guy. Dating him helped me see why my husband is such a wonderful guy. Without the lows, we wouldn't truly feel and realize how wonderful the highs are.

So, now, I'm experiencing rejection in another way by someone I've loved all my life. Does the other person realize the impact of the choices they're making? No, I don't think so. Do I know yet what God is going to do with this? No. But, there was a quote that I read last week that I really liked in The Silent Seduction of Self...

"We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." C.S. Lewis

from The Silent Seduction of Self by Shelly Beach, p. 61