I just finished cooking the homemade noodles that my three teenagers worked together to make. It's a family tradition that my mom started when I was little. Christmas Eve dinner has always been homemade noodles, meat sauce, salad with Italian dressing, and French bread. I have a cold this year, so that kids tackled the noodles on their own with just a little instruction from me.
For the past few days, my husband has given me many hugs. I think this time of year is making him especially aware that I might not have been here. I joked at dinner the other night with my kids that I'm thankful not to be a vegetable. To me, it's meant to be a funny, yet serious joke. But, I can see in my kids' eyes that it causes more pain than laughter in their hearts.
Life can change in the blink of an eye. I started May 26th like a normal day tackling my household chores before heading off to a Memorial Day ceremony. My husband was in the midst of a stressful class for his master's and was very frustrated. It was not going well. Later in the afternoon, we headed out for what was to be a short overnight trip. But, it was cut short. Very short. I won't go into it, but I ended up in the hospital that night. I came home a short 8 hours later, but it was an experience that changed our lives.
My kids were all home for the next week before heading off on their summer adventures and we were glad for the time as a family. A lot of things changed for my husband and me.
What once seemed so serious, wasn't as serious. When you're faced with losing the one you love, everything seems different. For me, it was time to forgive and live in the present. For my husband, well... he changed. Our marriage got stronger with more grace and forgiveness. We have focused more on being grateful for each other and our family. We always were, but in a different way. I wish I had more poetic and profound words, but I feel at a loss, so on this Christmas Eve, this is what I'd like to say instead.
Pause and imagine if you lost your spouse or someone very important to you tonight. What would you wish you had done differently? What would you say or not say? What would you regret?
Moving forward, how can you express your thankfulness to those around you? How can you love people better? How can you let go of pain that may be holding you back and holding you down?
Moving forward, have you been holding on to past hurts instead of forgiving and letting people change, seeing how they have changed? How can you open your eyes and see?
And if you are unreconciled with someone, go and seek them out. Please. You may lose your chance.
I don't mean to be morbid or fatalistic in this exercise at all. But, consider that we don't know what is around the bend in the road! Love the people around you well today. Forgive, show grace, and love. No, this doesn't mean you need to be walked on--speak the truth in love and show grace. Give people a chance to change.
A few years ago, a woman said some horrible things to me that scarred me and my family. Her words prompted us to leave that community. But, God worked even in that very painful season to move us to a place that was better for our kids. Then, God moved us again for even different reasons that surprised us! God does work in all things for the good of those who love him. Romans 8:28. We can trust Him and the plans he has for us. Jeremiah 29:11-13.
The woman's words were grounded on who I was 7 years and 5 years before then. Everyone changes, but she didn't realize that I had changed. We all make mistakes. And what she didn't like weren't actually all mistakes, they were just things she didn't like. I would caution her if I could to be careful with her words and burning bridges that may never be rebuilt.
But, after these seven years, it is truly time to shake that dust off my feet and leave all of that to the Lord. He has walked alongside me through it all. I read a headstone a few weeks ago that said, "in the mist of it all, God was always by my side". It's an interesting thing to think about. The headstone probably meant to say "in the midst of it all, God was always by my side." So, if you find yourself dwelling on past pain this Christmas. Please let God comfort you and heal your heart. Look around and see what He has given you. He is our redeemer.
