Sunday, March 14, 2010


Last night I had a horrible dream, but the crux of it was that I was rejected and at the end I stood up to the person and said no, that's not okay and stood up for myself. Then, this morning a friend emailed a quote in reply to a quote I'd sent her that basically said (in my words)-- Don't hold onto something that you can't have in the first place. It was interesting to put the two together.

I think there have been times when I try to hold onto something or hold onto a relationship that isn't desired by the other party--essentially, I was trying to hold onto something that I couldn't have to begin with.

When we hear that message that we are unloveable from others, we try to continually fight that lie by proving to ourselves that we won't lose other relationships. I say we, though I really mean me. I don't know if you're in that same boat with me. But, I've done this. And that's what the dream was about last night. A few years before I met my husband, I had a boyfriend who told me he'd tried and tried to love me but just couldn't make himself. Ewww! Yuck! Talk about horrible things someone can tell you. Sadly, that wasn't the first time someone had told me they didn't want to be around me. It had happened before in high school and junior high (we all know how cruel junior high girls can be!). But, it happened after college too with friends and because of it I am often surprised when people genuinely want to be my friend and be around me.

There have been many times when I wondered why God allow me to go through all of that--to lose my grandma, my dad, friends, a boyfriend--all out of rejection. Yet, amidst the pain, there's been joy. I lost my dad and grandma because I loved the Lord--I married the man that God had for me and in the process had to give up their approval of me. My experiences with friends taught me to remember people who aren't included and to love people well. My experience with that boyfriend, well, it helps me appreciate my husband every time I'm reminded of that guy. Dating him helped me see why my husband is such a wonderful guy. Without the lows, we wouldn't truly feel and realize how wonderful the highs are.

So, now, I'm experiencing rejection in another way by someone I've loved all my life. Does the other person realize the impact of the choices they're making? No, I don't think so. Do I know yet what God is going to do with this? No. But, there was a quote that I read last week that I really liked in The Silent Seduction of Self...

"We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be." C.S. Lewis
from The Silent Seduction of Self by Shelly Beach, p. 61

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