An Obituary for my Dad

 I learned last night that my father died earlier this week.  

There are moments in life when you feel like you should feel a certain way.  You should have a reaction, yet you don't.  This is one of those moments for me.  

When I got the news, I searched for an obituary, but found none.  

Who was my dad?  

He was a man with a large presence.  His physical presence was something he used to make himself known.  People either got along with him or they didn't.  And if they didn't, they either walked away or stayed silent.  

He was a man who pulled himself up by his bootstraps after flunking out of college his freshman year.  He attended community college for a year, got straight A's, and then transferred back in and went on to graduate with a bachelor's degree.  I think it was in business.

He was a man who always had ideas about how to make money, though he was very quick to spend on credit.  

He was a man, who after divorcing my mom, stayed married to the same woman of his third marriage, for almost thirty years.  They were two peas in a pod.  

He was also a man who I haven't spoken to in years.  

The greatest gift my dad gave me was the belief that I can do anything I set my mind to.  This is truly a great thing that he drilled into my head and made me believe.  It has helped me overcome hesitations I have had over the years about learning a new topic or task.  

He was also a parent who I didn't want to be like.  

I have found in parenting that it is very easy to fall into the trap--both good and bad--to think that your child's actions are about you.  The vast majority of the time they aren't.  A lot of years ago, a friend explained to me that her strong willed son wanted to control his environment, not her.  He had in his mind what should be done and the way to do it.  It wasn't because he was being intentionally disobedient, but rather his mind was so strong willed it plowed forward and pushed boundaries.  I was like this.  Two of my children are like this.  I will get an idea in my head and it takes over.  I have taught myself to be more aware of other people's feelings and opinions, but my will is strong.  

When I was a child and disobeyed my father's directions or didn't meet his expectations, he felt this was a reflection on him.  I know that in 7th grade, I asked myself if I was getting good grades for him or for me. I made a decision at that time that I should do a good job because I should do my best, not because he wanted me to get an A.  

Who was my dad?  He was...

A man who told me to call him Dad because he thought he deserved to be called Dad and not father.  

A man who didn't know his two children and five grandchildren because he disowned them many years ago.

A man who could rationalize anything.

A man who told me that you should only be friends with people who you benefit from.  

A man with an intimidating presence who said he would hurt anyone back more who hurt him.  

A man who chose the life he wanted and the people who he wanted in it and who he didn't.

But, who was my dad?

He is also a man who I have forgiven.  There are sometimes people in our lives that we wish we could have had healthy relationships with.  I wish I could have had a good relationship with my dad.  I wish he could have known and valued me and my children for who we are.  I had to set boundaries with my dad to protect myself and my family.  He chose not to change.  A few months before his death, I received an email that showed me he hadn't changed, but it also made one thing very clear to me.  He was living the life he wanted to live and that he had chosen.  

Often when difficult people in our lives pass away, we whitewash who they were.  I will not whitewash who my dad was, but I can forgive him.  

There is no clear transition to the second part of this post, but I need to connect it here.

When my son woke up, I asked him to read this.  It reminded me of how he writes and thinks.  He said it made him sad and asked why I would write this post.  I explained that I wrote it in case it might encourage someone else--to know that you don't have to whitewash the past, but that you can forgive.  Over the years, I have made a lot of friends and have had many conversations about having boundaries in difficult relationships with parents.  Many of us have not had the relationships with our parents that we wished for. But, lacking those relationships doesn't mean that we are unloveable or not of value.  God loves me and He loves you.  I have seen in my life that while God may not have given me some of the relationships I thought I needed and wanted, He has given me others.  He has provided and cares for me through people He has brought across my path.  Not having a good relationships with a parent can leave a hole.  God can fill that hole--but sometimes we just have to see it from a different viewpoint to see how He has done that with his love and with the love of others.  

I am often amazed at how God does this.  

My family and I are walking through a crazy, stressful season.  It's not going to end for at least another month.  But, amidst that, God placed it on the heart of an old friend to daily reach out to me and check on me.  Amidst her busy life, she has taken the time to message me and encourage me as I have struggled to hold onto hope and do what I need to do.  I have needed her "You can do it!"s  and I have been very thankful for them.  I am thankful that God loves me and knows what I need.