This post is about irony that I never expected.
Back in April, I taught a two hour class to a group of teenagers about Cyber Bullying. Everywhere, you can find the message aimed at teens that they should speak up if they are being bullied. But, what is Cyber bullying?
"Cyberbullying is the use of cell phones, instant messaging, e-mail, chat rooms or social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter to harass, threaten or intimidate someone. Cyberbullying is often done by children, who have increasingly early access to these technologies." from www.techtarget.com
Some people say cyberbullying by definition is only done by teenagers. But, then we'd need another word when it's done by adults. So, for sake of this post, let's consider cyberbullying to be bullying--harrassing, threatening, or intimidating done by adults, teens, or children to others using technology.
Two years ago, my family experienced cyberbullying when the kids of a team they were on badmouthed and spread a false rumor about something I'd said. They got carried away and said no one wanted any of us around. One of the teens told me and I let each of the parents know. All of the parents were glad to know and I received several apologies. Only one parent told me--it's just a chat--it doesn't matter.
It does matter.
I chose to speak up then. It was really hard.
But, what if a teen speaks up and the adults don't do anything?
My middle daughter received a racist and anti-christian meme from another teenager in a group she was a part of. Nothing was done for weeks. Several weeks later when the boy was asked about it, he lied and said he didn't send it. Then he was told there was proof. He admitted he'd sent it. Still, nothing happened. A month later, he was told he had to apologize or else he wouldn't get an award he wanted. He went to my daughter and said "sorry." with a tone that said his sorry meant nothing. By this point, she had been ostracized and excluded by a large group of students in the group. She is amazing to me. She let it roll off her back. Her only concern was that it would happen to someone else. This kid continues to be rewarded in the same group, as do his friends. I told one of the other parents who's kids were friends with him and her daughter is now dating him.
This is the stuff you see on teenage movies. But, we always see the bullies getting in trouble at the end, not rewarded.
What if an adult is harassed via electronic technology and no one does anything?
This week I received a threatening email from two parents of a student in this same group. A few weeks ago, I was verbally berated by one of them. I felt unsafe. My husband told me that the kids and I couldn't go until this was resolved. He did the right thing. In the end, we are leaving the group because my daughter was bullied and nothing was done. Then, I was bullied and expected to sit down and listen to the parents berate me. I was told to do so. Just let them get it out of their system.
I hadn't done anything wrong.
Through all of this, I have been asking myself what it means to stand up for myself. In years past, I was criticized by other women at a church we attended on separate occasions. One woman in particular regularly criticized other women in the church. I was told by church leaders to "stand down" and just take it. At one point, my husband told me, "Just because someone says something to you, doesn't mean you have to listen." I had always thought before that that I had to be polite and kind and listen. After that, I was prepared to walk away any time that particular woman tried to criticize me. I was saddened that one of the women who's criticism prompted us to leave the church repeated this four years later and another key family had to leave. Would this have happened if I had spoken up instead of staying silent?
I had a friend who stood up for herself to a family member and because of it her entire family was ostracized and excluded from the family for a year and a half. Standing up exacted a high price from her family. She learned over the course of time that no one had ever stood up to that person before and no one has in the same way since. It was a cautionary tale.
Because of my regrets not standing up for myself several years ago and having watched my friend stand up for herself, I had to think hard about what it meant to stand up in the current situation.
I realized that standing up in this situation meant walking away and not walking into a physical situation where I felt unsafe and threatened. It meant not caving and being bullied into listening to a berating and false accusations that I wouldn't be able to forget.
We are all wired differently. I admire my friends with thick skins. In this situation, I had one person encourage me to look inside and find what part of this was my fault and to take responsibility for the situation. I was criticized by several people because they felt my children were the ones having to pay a price for my refusal to walk into an unsafe situation and that wasn't fair to them.
But, I had one friend who told me she would have done exactly what I did. And her opinion was the one I valued the most to begin with so when she told me that, I felt better.
So, what now?
Do I move on? Or do I try to speak up? What will be the future price of standing up? For me? For my kids?
What will my kids take away from this situation?
I've asked them and this is what I've gathered from them:
1. It's better not to have friends than to be friends with the bullies and go along with what they do.
2. They don't want to participate in a group that allows bullying of teens or adults to go on.
3. They will pay attention to red flags and choose their friends wisely. They did this anyways, but this situation was different from what they've encountered before. The boy who bullied my daughter is charismatic. He's good looking and has people around him. It felt good to be included. But, inclusion in his group was not something she realized she wanted.
4. Standing up is the right thing to do. Sometimes that means to physically stand up and defend one's self and sometimes that is walking away.
5. Help your friends make good choices. When other teens are new and you see they're being drawn in, warn them. From there, it's up to them.
As a parent and adult, what have I learned:
1. I want real life to play out like tv shows and movies. The bullies get in trouble in the end. But, we live in a broken world and often the bullies temporarily win. Longterm, I know they pay a price. God's Word tells me that.
2. Standing up is hard.
3. Cyberbullying can happen to people of any age and it's real!
4. Be the Change. I'm not big on corny sayings, but it's true. My family and I are choosing to be different. We're choosing to have respect for others and treat them with kindness. Love your neighbor as yourself... and Matthew 5:44 tells us "love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you."
5. To discuss with my kids what happens in their days and talk through how to handle situations. The cyberbullying? I was there the whole time and didn't know about it until we got in the car at the end of the day. I don't hover, but I'm there when they need me. I know my daughter would have come to talk with me earlier if she'd needed me.
We live in an imperfect world and it's hard. But, this morning, I'm thankful. I'm thankful I don't have to go somewhere where I was being bullied and my kids had been bullied. I'm thankful my kids and I are on the same page. We made decisions this week as a team, but I am also the parent and made the final decision. That's my job. They're kids and they need to be able to be kids.
One last note, if you want to discuss Cyberbullying with your kids, comment or email me and I can share my lesson plans and resources that I used with you!
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