The book's premise is a simple one. Paley conducted a social experiment in her kindergarten classroom and made a new rule: You can't say, "You Can't Play (with me/us)". The kindergarteners response to its introduction was astonishing. One child even asked rhetorically what the point of play was if they couldn't say it! Yet, the rule changed the climate of her classroom in an extremely positive way and children who had been excluded the first few weeks of school found friends. She also asked a 4th grade classroom at the same time to try this rule for a month. They were skeptical, but they nonetheless implemented the rule. At the end of the experiment with the 4th graders, the students asked why no one had given them this rule before, because they wished a teacher had!
The events in my life this week reminded me of how adults and children live out and bring about the exclusion of the people they want to keep out of their circles. As children go beyond kindergarten, "You can't play with us" morphs into "Nobody likes you". Often that is followed up with... "This is why..."
When I was a teenager, this was said to me more than once as a way to tell me to go away. But, I watched as the same people used the same statement on others afterwards to manipulate and bully them. A few years ago, this was said to me when someone didn't like that I was encouraging a group to be more friendly and open. I left. I walked away. It caused me to ask the question as to whether it was true. I remember the last Sunday asking someone, "Was I ever wanted here?" The person (not knowing about what had been said to me) said that I had always been wanted there. Last year, it was written in a dialogue someone shared with me by a teenager. A couple of kids were involved in the dialogue. One parent was grateful to find out about it and encouraging to me. Another parent responded with the words that "it's just a chat, a text-- It doesn't really matter that much."
Does it not matter? Why do people throw those words around? I know I'm not the only one who's had those words said to them. My children have already heard those words from other kids before over the past few years.
So, why do people--adults and children say them? Those words are a way to exclude people-- a way to get people to do or not do what we want them to do. They are also a way to hurt the people who they feel hurt by.
I remember the first time I saw it with my own children. A little girl had come over for a few minutes and grabbed the hand of one of my girls and said to the other--"You can't play with us." I stopped the girls as soon as I caught what was happening and explained that we don't do that at our house--everyone plays together.
A year later, I watched as my oldest daughter was looked up and down by another girl when she tried to talk to her at a birthday party. I saw it in the girls' eyes as she turned around and ignored my daughter. Yet, my daughter still tried to talk to her. I called her over and instructed her to talk to someone else. She, my compliant child, did--but she didn't understand.
As I've watched all three of my kids grow, they've learned how to make good friends--friends who like them for who they are. I've also watched a few of them change and turn their backs on my kids. My advice to them has always been--when someone doesn't want to be your friend, go find someone who does. They've taken that advice to heart and have made some great friends in the process! They value their friends who accept them and who they enjoy hanging out with. But, they also hurt deeply when they see or hear other kids being hurt by others' words. These experiences have begun to shape my kids. I see them valuing their true friends and letting go of the ones who aren't. I see God shaping their hearts through the pain and joys of friendship.
Tonight when I opened up this post to finish writing down the thoughts swirling in my head, I was surprised to realize that this is a theme that seems to run through my life. I keep hoping it will leave me and stop pressing on my heart, yet it hasn't.
This year has been a hard year for the world. Covid-19 and a divisive election in the U.S. Families and friends split apart, kept apart. Some of it done to protect one another. Some of it done out of disagreement with one another.
Covid-19 has brought out the best and the worst in people. I've watched people be kinder in some ways and meaner in others. But, there is enough to talk about on that subject to write a whole post and I fear it would take away from the subject of this post. The second event that divided people this year, though-- the election-- has more relevance.
You can't play with me... if you disagree with me.
In my life, I have been told every few years that I'm not liked. Sometimes I've been told that everyone doesn't like me. Sometimes it's just been the person telling me. When I was a teenager an adult in my life told me that if someone hurts them, they would hurt them back harder. This made me realize that hurting people hurt people. Knowing that has helped me have compassion for the people who have said these things to me over the years. I've come to understand that not everyone is going to like me. No one is liked by everyone, really.
But, this year I was told by someone that basically, "I don't like you if you disagree with me." My heart feels very sad as I write that. I lost a friend who doesn't feel she can be my friend because I disagreed with her about the national election results. I had heard about the election dividing friends and family. I have good friends who have chosen not to say anything to family members they disagree with in order to keep the peace. But, I didn't expect it to happen to me. Yet, it did.
Why? I think this election cycle was different than ones that I have lived through in the past. Social media ramped up in a way I haven't seen before. Posts were written in ways that insulted people who disagreed with the ideas in them. I remember one string of comments in which people bantered and kept saying, "How could anyone be so stupid to vote for the other candidate?" I did. I was one of those people. It seemed as if people lost a lot of politeness. When I read some of what the media was publishing, I saw that loss there as well. I listen mostly to NPR and read the Economist. I have realized that the tone of the articles on these news sources is more polite and more middle of the road. The Economist is written from a more global perspective. When I have glanced at Fox News, World Magazine, and CNN, the words used have much stronger connotations. I watched one news clip and it helped me understand why people felt so angry after watching it (angry in the way the speaker did), yet the speaker kept saying things that had been proven to be false. Anger is a very powerful emotion. It makes a person feel in control, though they really aren't. Anger is also a very destructive emotion and can do so much damage in the blink of an eye.
Part of being friends with someone is knowing that you won't always agree. Over the years, I have really appreciated the friends who I could discuss things--whether it was education, history, parenting, or our faith. There is a saying that "good friends can agree to disagree". I hope that when the dust settles after this election, people will realize how relationships have been hurt and seek to heal them.
You can't play with me. It doesn't matter if you're a kid or an adult. The words still hurt. In my heart, I don't think they need to or should be said. My kids know when someone doesn't like them without them saying it. So do I. But, the words do make it hurt more.
2 comments:
I think this ultra divisive election has a lot to do with the media. I never heard them ask a hard question of Biden. They can't even laugh at his obvious failures tho they mock conservatives constantly. I even saw one supposedly "impartial and unbiased" anchor crying over the results because he was so overcome with emotion. I have seen the media tout lies (Russian collusion for an example) and democratic talking points over and over. If you disagree with them then you feel that the media are so biased that they won't even recognize your side of the story or if they do, they misrepresent it and then you become outraged. As a result many, many people have stopped listening to mainstream media altogether. They are choosing their news sources from people who are like them and the effect of the echo chamber is an inability to comprehend another perspective. The reporters themselves exist in a giant elite echo chamber. None of the media outlets have bothered to hire a balanced cadre of reporters/commentators and many of them are actively expelling those with whom they disagree (New York Times). This is finally filtering down to the general society. I don't know how you voted but I feel it in myself as well. I voted for Trump. I don't know many Biden supporters. I think most people (like me) live in a bubble. Those Biden supporters I do know are not willing to talk about politics or policies with me. And so my echo chamber/bubble feels a little more solid. My relationships with those outside my political persuasion also feels diminished. Not because they are different, but because we can't explore the differences.
So, I'm one of those people who voted differently than you that is willing to talk about it :) I had a homeschool friend ask me why I voted the way I did and I was able to explain the areas of my concern. She respected my decision because I had reasons for it. What I have seen in the media is both extremes. I have fact checked multiple things that I've found on social media. We subscribe to the Economist because we find it to be well written and closer to centrist. This is what my kids read as well. One time I sat down with my kids and showed them the same event and how it was written about by 4 different media outlets. It was shocking how different it was and how the reporters word choices had such different connotations! It was a good lesson for them about the news.
Before the election when a piece of legislation was being talked about and the church we attended spoke about it in the service. The language used was meant to rile people up and made it sound like it was brand new legislation. At first, I believed and just absorbed what was being said, but then I went home and looked into it. The church leaders had totally misrepresented what was going on and it really disappointed me.
But, in this post, my concern was really how Christians are treating each other. The friend I mentioned in this post--I tried again to reach out--and she proceeded later to call me a "murderer" because of how I voted. How I vote is not a matter of sinning or not sinning. I've read posts in which Christians I know called people who voted differently than them "stupid" and the like. I listened in another church as the pastor prayed "the ends justify the means". My kids sat next to me knowing that I was ready to walk out that morning. They worried for my hurting heart. I think we need to do better as the body of Christ at loving each other.
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