Weighty Thoughts

Lately, I've been thinking a lot of things about my weight. Much of it is prompted because I had a baby almost 4 months ago. But, to be honest, I think I probably would think about it anyways.

When I was growing up, my dad was always encouraging me to watch my weight. And then when I graduated from college at 122 lbs., my dad suddenly turned to me and said, "so when are you going to gain some weight?" (implying I was too thin) and in my mind I replied, "when have I ever been thin enough?" Most of my family struggles with their weight or watch their weight and several people including my dad have Type 2 Diabetes. So, it's something I think about for that reason.

With each of my pregnancies I've gained more weight. First, 39 lbs. with Autumn, then 43 lbs. with Sami and now 47 lbs. with Eli. When I hit 25 lbs. with Autumn the first time, my doctor expressed some concern and cautioned me to watch what I was eating. But, after I lost all but 5 lbs. within 2 or 3 months after having her, he told me not to worry. And so, when I had Sami and had already gained 22 lbs. and was only 23 weeks into my pregnancy, he said he wasn't worried about how much weight I had gained. This time I had some wonderful midwifes who didn't put any pressure on me at all. They told me that everyone gains a different amount of weight during their pregnancies and that it's okay. But, let me be honest, I love sweets, and I know that some of my weight gain is definitely do to that--I am guilty! I do work out after having each of my children and I breastfeed, which I think helps a lot. So, now I'm just about 4 months out and I have about 5 lbs. to lose to get to my prepregnancy weight this time around (122 lbs., I think). I can fit in my 10s, but not in my 8s yet.

One of my good friends long ago told me that I needed to be prepared that I would likely never get back into my 6s after having Autumn, because women's bodies change with pregnancy--no matter how hard we may want to get them back exactly the way they were. She told me to expect to be in 8s and that that would be okay! I have reminded myself of her advice many times over the years and I've shared it with a lot of other women, too.

All of this may sound very personal, but I don't think of it as being that way. I know many of my friends and women I've talked to have struggled with their weight at different times in in their lives. Let me define what I mean by struggle--not feeling like they are the weight they want to be or not feeling good about the weight they are. I think that right now I am wondering if I will ever be okay with my weight. When I lose the 5 lbs., will I look the way I think I'm supposed to? Is that what really matters? Or should it really matter more that I feel fine the way I am right now? Am I making this an idol and giving it too much of my energy?

The other reason I ponder this often is what it means for my daughters and how I am raising them. I don't want them to worry about their weight. I want them to feel good about themselves and take care of themselves--but I don't want them to feel like they have to compare themselves to everyone else or be worried about the number on the scale. And I really want them to enjoy the food that God has given us to eat! Every day Autumn puts on clothes and comes in to me and says "Don't I look beautiful (or pretty or some variation)?" I smile and say, "Yes, you do sweetheart." She says it in such an innocent way, not vain at all. She just wants to be pretty =)

Don't we all? =)

I want to feel good just the way I am and not worry about being as thin as my friends. I want to know in my head and my heart that that's okay. But, most of all, I want God to be glorified in what I think about and what I say to others. I don't want to find myself saying, "I don't like myself the way God made me." because that's a horrible thing to say. God made me the way He wanted to make me and I don't want to be a rude and ungrateful child and tell God I think He made a mistake.