My testimony continued...

After camp and surrendering control, I was driving home with a friend and I prayed and prayed. I told God that I would stand up and tell my dad what I believed if he asked what happened this summer. I got home and my dad asked 3 times and by the third time, I knew I had to tell him. So, I told him I had surrendered my life to Christ. He responded by telling me that I had driven a stake through his heart. Jesus said that he did came "not to send peace, but a sword. For I came to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law” Matthew 10:34-35 I had to walk in obedience to the Lord and stand up for what I believed.

I went back to college that fall and God helped me heal a lot of broken fences--I learned that while my feelings had been hurt during the first three years, they were not hurt intentionally by the people involved.

After that year, I took a medicine that my doctor prescribed and it through me into a depression. I told God I would move anywhere as long as I had a job. Just as I was going to move back to LA, God gave me 3 interviews with a company that moved me to Colorado. Literally, I felt God save me.

Over the years since then, there have been other markers that I have written on my heart so that I would remember God's work in my life and never forget. Among them are my marriage, the miscarriage I had 6 years ago, the ways I've seen God use me to love other people I meet, and the times when I have seen God work when there was nothing I could do to fix things. I try not to forget these markers in my life and the answers to my prayers.

But, these markers aren't the only reasons I believe in God--and not just God, but the Bible, and that Jesus died on the cross for my sins. There have been times in my life when I have not felt the presence of God and have struggled with not feeling like He is guiding me. I read a book many years ago called Disappointment with God by Phillip Yancey and it made sense to me. He talked about how there are times when we don't feel God. He wants to know that we love Him no matter what--not for what we get from Him or want to get from Him. He is always there, even when we do not feel Him. I love the picture from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade when Indiana steps onto the walk. The bridge was there all the time and yet he had to take a leap of faith. Now, one might think they could pray and that God will answer their prayer and if He doesn't the way they expect, then He's not answering. God doesn't always work the way we want Him to. I think that's one thing I've come to understand--that He knows more than I do and He knows whats best for me even when I don't. Romans 8:28 "For God works in all things for the good of those who love him."

But, back to why I believe. I believe because of the things that God has done in my life and His love that I've seen in my life--how I've seen things work together for His glory and my best when I didn't understand in the process--like my miscarriage.

That is one last story I will interject. My miscarriage still brings tears to my eyes even as I write this. I know my husband knows I have shared this with many people because it is our testimony. We had only been married a year and I was older when I got married. I wanted to start having kids. But, my husband wasn't ready. I pressured him. And I did get pregnant. I had a miscarried at 10 1/2 weeks. After my miscarriage, I grieved. It took 6 months for my heart to heal. After 6 months, I cried out to God and he laid this verse on my heart. "He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3 God healed my heart, laid the name Hannah on my heart for my little girl now in heaven and I got pregnant again. This time my husband and I were both ready. Each of my pregnancies--I've had 3 children has been frought with daily challenges to trust the Lord and realize that I'm not in control. As much as we like to believe we are--we really aren't. I had complications with my first delivery, but Autumn was born just fine. And Sami and Eli as well. While pregnant with Sami, we moved twice, I was in a car accident, and I fell down some stairs. With Eli--well God just simply protects him every day of his life. He's a climber!

God used my miscarriage to give me compassion and soften my heart. I cry every time I hear someone has miscarried. My heart goes out to them. My miscarriage makes me ever thankful for my children--who now compel me to trust God every day as I watch them and love them. My heart changed willingly because of these experiences.

I also believe because of the things He's done in my heart against my wishes. Yesterday was a perfect example. We are going through a time of adversity and it has been a hard couple of weeks for our family. But, last night, God healed my heart and took away the hard and hurt feelings that were in my heart. It wasn't something that happened because I chose for it to--it simply happened. God controlled the heart of the King and He controls my heart too when He wishes too. (I know that gets into the areas of predestination and free will that I believe both exist, but is something I will never fully grasp because I'm not God).

Another time I remember God's work in my heart was when I needed to forgive someone. I was very angry and didn't want to. I wanted to hold onto it and stay in my yucky place. But, as I talked to the person who had offended and hurt me, I experienced God's peace in my heart and I had forgiven the person. My heart was freed from my own anger.

The final reason I believe is because of what I see every day when I walk out the door. I am amazed at the beauty of God's creation. Yesterday, I saw the first praying mantis I've ever seen. I grew up in LA--we didn't have bugs or butterflies--I think it's because of all the smog. I took a picture that I'm going to post here:

I looked at this bug and his little (big) green eyes stared right back at me. I find more and more that I am able to see the world through the wonder of my children and see its beauty. This bug was amazing! Over the past few weeks, we've seen many butterflies come to feed on these flowers. They've unrolled their tongues and sat there enjoying the flowers. I've never had the privilege to watch such a thing in my own yard before.

When I look at the world we live in, I do believe that science helps us realize not how much we do understand, but rather how much we don't--and how much, I believe, we will never be able to understand. Honestly, I can't do this point justice and explain it well. In his book, Notes from a Tilt A Whirl-ND Wilson does an amazing job of talking about the world we live in and God's creation. It is a book that is part stories, part art, part philosophy, and just a great joy to read. It's stream of consciousness writing at its finest.

So, I think that in a very big nutshell is why I believe. Thanks for letting me share it with you!